Saturday, May 10, 2008

Allowing Myself JUST THIS POST....

I voted today. For a friend of mine. He is running for Bedford City Council, and I could not be more proud of him. He's a truly amazing guy. He set out a goal, then did everything he could to accomplish it. Now, even if he loses, he wins- because what college freshmen does anything TRULY significant like that? He won't lose, by the way. I cannot fathom him losing. He will win- and I am going to his election party tonight to congratulate him.

Last night was truly a low night for me. I had 2 beers. Yes. Just 2. But apparently that was enough to initiate a complete emotional breakdown. Tears, yelling, hopeless feelings, and all. I was very insane, and I feel pretty bad about it. Not bad enough to apologize to the poor guy that got to witness it- but still pretty bad. Like I said. It was a low moment.

I have dated a total of two serious boyfriends. Two. They both dumped me. That's cool. It's only two. It's only three total years of my life. I learned a lot. About relationships, and about myself. So although I was completely heartbroken both times, I understand that it is not the end of the world.

I felt it was time to have a guy to date in a more er...playful way. A fuck buddy, if you will. Not one of my best decisions, but there you have it. So I found a guy (an ex of one of my ex's ex...if you can follow..), and we started this really casual, really fun "relationship." After a month or so of hanging out, making out, occasionally having sex, and basically just having a good time, I very annoyingly started developing these obnoxious things called feelings for him. We started dating exclusively, which completely went against our casual nature. I told him I tried. I did! I tried. I tried to be casual and just be in it for unimportant things. But I guess that's not who I am. At all. Something I learned about myself with this guy- was that I am not the kind of person who can casually date. He said he understood and he can't do it either. So we went all exclusive. Which was nice- but kind of annoying, because why be exclusive, but still not be "in a relationship"? How very perturbing. "Oh well!" I thought. "It doesn't really matter. What's a title, after all?"

Things progressed. Then he said he just wants to be friends. It took me by surprise, but it shouldn't have. He says I am practically perfect, and it really sucks, but I'm moving soon, and he can't handle any sort of long distance relationship, and he really needs to be by himself right now. So cool. Whatever. I thought it's not a big deal. I can be friends with him. We hung out last night. As friends. It didn't work out. Especially after the beer. Nothing happened- but I got...upset... to say the least. It just didn't seem fair to me. I don't like being told that I am awesome, but things aren't going to work out. It's not me, it's them. I hate that. Cool. I shouldn't care. But it still kind of seems like it's me. I am never the person that lets people down. I get let down. BUT LIKE I SAID- only by 2 serious, 1 non-serious guy. It just sucks- and I will allow myself to feel sorry for myself in my blog.

Because it's MINE. But after this, the pity party is over. Thanks for reading.

"Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy ice cream. And really? Isn't that the same thing?"

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