I have been trying to update since Friday. It is very difficult to know exactly what to say. I suppose just throwing it out there would be best, but I'm not sure that's the best way to go about it.
On Friday I had another sonogram. By last times measurements, I should be measuring at 6.5 weeks or so. However, there was no yolk sac, no fetal pole, so no heartbeat. The nurse told me there is nothing to worry about until a gestational sac is measuring at 20mm with no fetus. She was just going to let it go at that. I asked her what I was measuring at. After a pause, she told me 19mm. "I'm worried then." I informed her. "I want to talk to my doctor." I was really starting to get worried "oo...I'm not sure...She's pretty busy." This infuriates me to no end... I'm sitting here half naked on a table, and I sit up straight, cross my legs and tell the nurse "I'll wait." So she goes and gets my doctor to tell her the results. The doctor comes in a few minutes later and immediately jumps in with the news.
"There's something wrong with this pregnancy. It's measuring too small. You'll miscarry within a week or 2..."
she cuts off when she notices that I've started crying. No shit, lady. She looks really surprised, and her tone softens.
"Of course, I've been wrong before... but I'm pretty sure that this isn't going to work out. I'm sorry."
I nod. Still crying. Devastated. Angry.
"It's strange isn't it...you find out you're pregnant and you're like 'oh why me! what am i going to do! this isn't a good time for me!' and then something like this happens and you realize how excited you were..."
Oh wait except I WAS NEVER NOT EXCITED. So good news, after my appointment on Thursday, I will be finding a NEW doctor- if things are still going, that is...
Blighted Ovum. Yes, what I have is the most disgusting sounding "condition" in the entire pregnant world. That's a pretty old-school term for it, but it's easier to say than an "anembryonic pregnancy", which is what they're calling it nowadays. I was diagnosed 4 days ago, and since then have read countless misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories. I will try to not get my hopes up, but who are we kidding. If George Michael has taught us anything, he has taught us that we've got to have faith, and God knows that's all I'm running on these days.
It was one month ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant. Since that Friday morning, I have been through more powerful emotions than I have ever known. I've been happier than I could ever be. More excited than ever before. More scared to share something than I ever thought possible. More angry and hurt than I've ever known myself to be. More in awe of myself and what's going on inside of me than I could ever imagine. And now, after Friday, I have never been so sad. Never been so worried, and never have felt more sorry for myself.
I've done everything right. I know people that never ever wanted kids. That had a way more negative attitude than I did. They did not do ANYTHING "right" during their pregnancies. Yet, they have 1 or 2 smiling, dimpled, happy children that they love and adore... But they were just not looking forward to it like I was. AM. There is still hope. And I am clinging to it.