Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Trying to Breathe but Holding my Breath...

I have been trying to update since Friday. It is very difficult to know exactly what to say. I suppose just throwing it out there would be best, but I'm not sure that's the best way to go about it.

On Friday I had another sonogram. By last times measurements, I should be measuring at 6.5 weeks or so. However, there was no yolk sac, no fetal pole, so no heartbeat. The nurse told me there is nothing to worry about until a gestational sac is measuring at 20mm with no fetus. She was just going to let it go at that. I asked her what I was measuring at. After a pause, she told me 19mm. "I'm worried then." I informed her. "I want to talk to my doctor." I was really starting to get worried "oo...I'm not sure...She's pretty busy." This infuriates me to no end... I'm sitting here half naked on a table, and I sit up straight, cross my legs and tell the nurse "I'll wait." So she goes and gets my doctor to tell her the results. The doctor comes in a few minutes later and immediately jumps in with the news.

"There's something wrong with this pregnancy. It's measuring too small. You'll miscarry within a week or 2..."

she cuts off when she notices that I've started crying. No shit, lady. She looks really surprised, and her tone softens.

"Of course, I've been wrong before... but I'm pretty sure that this isn't going to work out. I'm sorry."

I nod. Still crying. Devastated. Angry.

"It's strange isn't it...you find out you're pregnant and you're like 'oh why me! what am i going to do! this isn't a good time for me!' and then something like this happens and you realize how excited you were..."

Oh wait except I WAS NEVER NOT EXCITED. So good news, after my appointment on Thursday, I will be finding a NEW doctor- if things are still going, that is...

Blighted Ovum. Yes, what I have is the most disgusting sounding "condition" in the entire pregnant world. That's a pretty old-school term for it, but it's easier to say than an "anembryonic pregnancy", which is what they're calling it nowadays. I was diagnosed 4 days ago, and since then have read countless misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories. I will try to not get my hopes up, but who are we kidding. If George Michael has taught us anything, he has taught us that we've got to have faith, and God knows that's all I'm running on these days.

It was one month ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant. Since that Friday morning, I have been through more powerful emotions than I have ever known. I've been happier than I could ever be. More excited than ever before. More scared to share something than I ever thought possible. More angry and hurt than I've ever known myself to be. More in awe of myself and what's going on inside of me than I could ever imagine. And now, after Friday, I have never been so sad. Never been so worried, and never have felt more sorry for myself.

I've done everything right. I know people that never ever wanted kids. That had a way more negative attitude than I did. They did not do ANYTHING "right" during their pregnancies. Yet, they have 1 or 2 smiling, dimpled, happy children that they love and adore... But they were just not looking forward to it like I was. AM. There is still hope. And I am clinging to it.


The Crivella Family said...

I am hoping with you!

tejanamama said...

Honey I'm sorry the people you go to are such assholes! I cannot believe that is how they delivered the news. I hear that kinda story often tho. To these people its not a baby until it can live on its own. To us its a baby the minute we see a positive pregnancy test!! ***HUGS*** regardless, you are going to get through this. You have lived all of the emotions that perhaps you hadn't felt to this degree before. That is part of growing up. That you feel means you are a good human being. Some people don't feel to those degrees. It says a great deal about you to see that you DO feel like that. ALSO NOTE one thing: Modern technology allows us to find out about pgncies faster than ever and confirm them or learn about them failing, quite quickly. Sometimes all that knowledge is painful. I had two early losses, both right before successful pregnancies. (One two cycles before my daughter and one two cycles before this current pregnancy). The more I read and learned, the more I realized these are VERY common. Our bodies are sometimes doing things for the first time and it doesn't always work out. It is no less painful, but you are NOT alone. Your story is much more common than you think. Back in the day there weren't 'technical' names for those things but now we seem to call these things anything but what they are to us: Losses. I hope you are a lucky one and that you have a happy ending to this story!! I am keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks for updating....and breathe! :) I'll hold my breath for ya! ;)

Anonymous said...

That was a pretty stupid thing for your doctor to say. It is not up to her to decide you didn't want this baby evenif you are young and unwed.

Before you get so mad at the world, please remember a few things:
A) Life is not fair. Nobody ever said it was supposed to be. Crackheads give birth to more babies than they can handle, while close friends of mine - a married couple, financially stable, all the rights things checked off on the list - have been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, spent lots of money on fertility treatments and everything, and she miscarried a few weeks ago.

B) You're 20. You have a LONG, LONG way ahead of you. Take a deep breath.

Most women will miscarry twice in their child-bearing lifetime (some miscarriages are so early in the pregnancy, some women don't even know about it). The first trimester is always difficult and fragile. You have been under an enormous amount of stress.

Breathe. Rest. Do what the doctor tells you. Go back for the next appointment and see what they tell you then.

Pray. Whatever has to happen will happen. Let it. God knows what He's doing; we don't. Whatever you need, He'll give to you - and He does it on His terms, not ours. It's annoying, but you get used to it eventually.

Marcy said...

I am so so so sorry. I came here to tell you how your latest comment on my blog made me laugh out loud, and here I find this and my heart just goes out to you.

What a complete ASS of a doctor. They should know to ALWAYS be extremely sensitive when there's any possibility of miscarriage. (Oh, and the medical world is full of wonderful, completely insensitive terms. There's a condition where a woman's cervix starts to open prematurely during pregnancy, threatening miscarriage or premature labor... guess what the doctors call it??? INCOMPETENT CERVIX. Lovely, no?).

What you're going through right now, especially in this horrible limbo of not knowing, SUCKS BALLS. Don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise just b/c you're "young" or that this pregnancy "wasn't planned." I think this is one of the most difficult things women deal with in their lives, and so many do it in silence.

I hope you hear good news at your next appointment. If not... there's 2 blogs I read regularly-- Dooce.com and Finslippy.com. Both of these women have suffered miscarriages in the past year (dooce last october, finslippy in april of this year). They each blogged about their experiences and mourning. Perhaps reading about others' grief will help you with your own. People often act like miscarriage shouldn't be that big a deal, as you're losing something "you never really had to begin with." But it's not-- when you miscarry, you lose a child. No one questions a mother's grief when she loses a child. Miscarriage should be treated the same way.

(sorry for the marathon-long comment. I hope at least part of it helps)

KidKate said...

So very sorry to hear this news. Will be keeping my fingers, toes--everything--crossed for you! Take care of yourself. Get sleep. Drink tea. Most of all, don't blame yourself. Not that you are, but it's easy to go down that road when you're grieving. Don't do it. And maybe everything will turn out OK after all!

Kirai Katrubro said...

That's awful. What a horrible doctor. I'll be praying for you, both of you. I'd hug you through the computer if I could.

On a lighter note we switched satellite providers so we have all the movie channels for free till the end of the month. You should come over and I'll bake cookies and we'll watch movies and play Wii.