Saturday, October 25, 2008


"How is school going?"
"not so well."
"aw why not?"
"I got pretty behind"
"that's not good. How did you do that?"
"I had a miscarriage"
"Oh... well I'm sorry to hear that"

I've probably had that conversation 30 times in the last 2.5 weeks. People always look surprised, but I am not trying to hide anything.

It was never a matter of feeling like I couldn't talk freely about my miscarriage to whoever I wanted to. I talk freely about anything and everything that I want to talk freely about to anyone and everyone. That above conversation I have had with just as many strangers as I have people I know, love, and trust. I've been reading a lot about people saying that miscarriages are taboo and people aren't comfortable talking about them because that is how society has made it, but I have never really been one to go with the grain.
I think something that has helped me is that I have been exposed to miscarriages fairly frequently. As unfortunate as that is, I suppose it has helped me in the long run be more open about it, because the adults that had them when I was a child were open about it with their children, who in turn were open about it with me. I grew up with many catholic families. I know a woman who has been pregnant 15 times. She has 9 children. I know another who has been pregnant 13 times. She has 8 children. My grandmother had 2 miscarriages. I speak freely to people about my miscarriage because it DOES happen a lot, and it shouldn't be an uncomfortable subject. If someone missed a week of school because their brother died, they would tell people it was because their brother died.
Essentially, my baby died. So I think I took a well needed week off school, and I wish I could take longer off.
I really wish everyone had this take on miscarriages, so I wouldn't get the question I hate most.


.....are you serious? WHY? Because of all the heroin I shot up as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Because of all that alcohol I drank to wash down the pills I popped.

There isn't a specific reason, you asshole(s). I didn't do anything wrong. Sure. I was stressed. Even preggo's who PLAN their child (go you guys!) get stressed when they're pregnant. It's part of being pregnant. Stress doesn't cause miscarriages.

I know this post is not very organized, but it has been a long month, and I am just not feeling the need to write correctly. Please excuse how unintelligent I sound lately, and have a great night.

*Lacey Jane*


Anonymous said...

You sound very intelligent, and very right.

You definitely are not one to go with the grain; you are very open about everything that happens to you, and unfortunately, in this situation, it's leaving you open to some pretty ignorant (and hurtful) comments.

Have people seriously asked you WHY? Have you punched them in the face for their stupidity?

Slowly women are talking (and blogging) more about it, and hopefully this will lead to people actually understanding what a miscarriage is, how it affects the mother, and how to deal with a mother who has just lost her baby.

You know, so your boss doesn't fire you because of it.

Marcy said...

I've been reading a lot of women's blogs that are very open about their miscarriages, and it's seriously making me reconsider that whole don't-tell-anyone-you're-pregnant-till-you're-12-weeks-along deal, because why do we do that? The only reason is so then you don't have to tell people if you have a miscarriage. So that you have to go through that pain and mourning alone. And that seems like a load of crap.

I think it's great that you're taking this opportunity to be so open and to help educate people. That may not be what you're setting out to do, but it's the result. When people ask "why" they can learn that the vast majority of miscarriages happen because of completely random chromosomal errors. (There's so much media hooplah about what pregnant women eat and how caffeine causes miscarriages, etc, that it's not so hard to see how someone who doesn't know better might assume that it's her fault when one happens.)

tejanamama said...

I think it depends on what groups you run with how forbidden it is or isn't. Most of my friends are my age and we discuss these things pretty openly. As far as the waiting for 12 weeks. NOTHING is magical about that stupid number. I've known ppl who have lost far after that date has come and gone and they have "known" and loved their child making the loss even harder (in my opinion). I think with every passing day we get more and more excited about the life growing in us. I know I was wary for WEEKS and then slowly excitement has built and now I am VERY excited. AND PETRIFIED. Because if something happens NOW? I cannot even imagine it, but I do keep it in my mind. You are never safe. Shit, even when the kid arrives you are forever haunted with scary what ifs and scenarios in your head. Your life is no longer yours, and the greys come FAST! :)

I did wait until 12 weeks to tell my daughter about her sibling just to hopefully decrease the chance of something happening early crushing her, and I did not tell family (save my parents) before three months either. I think the hardest part is just thinking its not REAL yet until you go further. The more real it gets, the more you want to share it. Once its out there, you can have ppl you didn't even know, asking you how the pregnancy is going or how the baby is, when you have had a loss. I think people don't tell mostly to spare their own feelings. Some people want to move on and find the bringing up of things makes it more painful. I think that would be my thinking anyhow. And its part of why i didn't tell the people I didn't tell. I thought my child would ask about her "brudder" or sister often, or what happened to them? or whatever. That would be too much for me to handle!!!

I always enjoy your posts! OH and HSM pics were funny! looks like it was fun!!!!

KidKate said...

Good for you for being brave. Would like to see the looks on those people's faces!