Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Blogosphere, I think the World is in a slump. Maybe it's just me (and everyone else I know and/or come across), but is everything kind of blah lately? Marriages are breaking up, people are getting really sick, people are becoming more depressed and unhappy as the minutes pass. Whattttt is going on? I can't really blame it on the weather anymore, like I have been doing. It doesn't really matter what the weather is like, I can always blame something on it. I thought I would just kind of throw that out there and see if anyone else is experiencing negativity overload.
I used to be a really optimistic person, and I am even optimistic that one day I will be again. The past couple weeks I have been totally pessimistic, and it has been difficult to get anything done. I really need a job. I used to work at a sandwich shop but when I miscarried I took a week off, and suffice to say, they don't need people that take weeks off. They have 35 or so people hired for this little tiny sandwich shop. I don't really blame them, but it is so damn hard to get a job in this town. I will start working on it really hard soon. My mom has been really great in helping me out financially, but she has 2 other kids in college, another who needs help with student loans, and 2 other kids out there somewhere doing who knows what. She helps us all financially, and she works on commission only. Some months are really great and some are not. Even on great months it is hard to make ends meet for her. My dad recently (finally) found a job, but who knows how well that will help. He also will be working commission only, but he only barely started.
I really hate having to worry about money. I really hate that I am supposed to go to school full time and work full time and still have time to work out, eat well, and have a social life. I wish I could do all those things and still be able to volunteer my time to help other people, or go to church, or visit my Kansas friends or my Houston friends. But right now, I do not feel like doing ANYTHING. At all. None of it. I feel like laying around. Watching movies that I don't even really pay attention to.
But, internet, you'll be happy to know that I come to you today from the library at UNT. Because I had an assignment that MUST be completed INSIDE the library. I am almost ashamed to admit that this is my first time inside a college library since my freshman year. At the same time, the internet library offers many of the same resources that actually coming here does, so it's not really a big deal. The point is- I got up today, took a shower, DID MY HAIR (weird), even put on some make up- to walk 20 minutes in the rain to the library.
So here I am, mulling different things over, like clinical depression and how I don't think about it a lot even though it is all around me. Anyone who doesn't "believe" in clinical depression has obviously never met one of my best friends in the world. Or my mother. Even mild cases of depression are REAL and SCARY and SAD and painful. People who don't believe in depression at all are in severe denial in my opinion. They haven't met...well. Me. Even though! I digress! I am not a big huge case. I have depression medication that would barely affect an infant that I take dutifully because I do not LIKE feeling this way and I don't know what ELSE to do because everything else makes me want to die. Walking to class? Horrible. Moving at all? Terrible. Eating food? Disgusting. Taking a shower? Chore. Laying around in my own filth and hating the world? Not so bad, but really? Not productive.
So in a couple weeks, I hope to feel a little bit different inside. I hope to wake up again and love being who I am, where I am, and why I am. I hope to call an old friend and play catch up for 20 minutes. I hope to go outside and embrace the sunshine, the rain, the falling leaves, or whatever else is out there. I hope to not dread ever single day.


Marcy said...

These past 8 months have brought me closer to feelings of depression that I have ever been before. The biggest lesson I have learned is to try not to get trapped in the moment. So many times I have felt so awful, so exhausted, so out of my mind and like a terrible person, and I have to remind myself that it will pass, and one day things will be Normal again.

You are going through a horrendous experience, and it will probably take a while to work your way through it. But I promise there will be a day when things feel ok for you, when you'll look forward to your day and feel happy again.

Anonymous said...

Did the sandwich shop fire you for having a miscarriage??? Do you know how much you can sue them?

Then you'll have lots of money and won't have to get a job.

Just a thought.

Have you talked to a counselor, either at UNT or at Planned Parenthood?