Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Trying to Breathe but Holding my Breath...

I have been trying to update since Friday. It is very difficult to know exactly what to say. I suppose just throwing it out there would be best, but I'm not sure that's the best way to go about it.

On Friday I had another sonogram. By last times measurements, I should be measuring at 6.5 weeks or so. However, there was no yolk sac, no fetal pole, so no heartbeat. The nurse told me there is nothing to worry about until a gestational sac is measuring at 20mm with no fetus. She was just going to let it go at that. I asked her what I was measuring at. After a pause, she told me 19mm. "I'm worried then." I informed her. "I want to talk to my doctor." I was really starting to get worried "oo...I'm not sure...She's pretty busy." This infuriates me to no end... I'm sitting here half naked on a table, and I sit up straight, cross my legs and tell the nurse "I'll wait." So she goes and gets my doctor to tell her the results. The doctor comes in a few minutes later and immediately jumps in with the news.

"There's something wrong with this pregnancy. It's measuring too small. You'll miscarry within a week or 2..."

she cuts off when she notices that I've started crying. No shit, lady. She looks really surprised, and her tone softens.

"Of course, I've been wrong before... but I'm pretty sure that this isn't going to work out. I'm sorry."

I nod. Still crying. Devastated. Angry.

"It's strange isn't it...you find out you're pregnant and you're like 'oh why me! what am i going to do! this isn't a good time for me!' and then something like this happens and you realize how excited you were..."

Oh wait except I WAS NEVER NOT EXCITED. So good news, after my appointment on Thursday, I will be finding a NEW doctor- if things are still going, that is...

Blighted Ovum. Yes, what I have is the most disgusting sounding "condition" in the entire pregnant world. That's a pretty old-school term for it, but it's easier to say than an "anembryonic pregnancy", which is what they're calling it nowadays. I was diagnosed 4 days ago, and since then have read countless misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories. I will try to not get my hopes up, but who are we kidding. If George Michael has taught us anything, he has taught us that we've got to have faith, and God knows that's all I'm running on these days.

It was one month ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant. Since that Friday morning, I have been through more powerful emotions than I have ever known. I've been happier than I could ever be. More excited than ever before. More scared to share something than I ever thought possible. More angry and hurt than I've ever known myself to be. More in awe of myself and what's going on inside of me than I could ever imagine. And now, after Friday, I have never been so sad. Never been so worried, and never have felt more sorry for myself.

I've done everything right. I know people that never ever wanted kids. That had a way more negative attitude than I did. They did not do ANYTHING "right" during their pregnancies. Yet, they have 1 or 2 smiling, dimpled, happy children that they love and adore... But they were just not looking forward to it like I was. AM. There is still hope. And I am clinging to it.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Dear Cowboys,

Sorry I didn't watch the game.

Love, Lacey

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I Was Wrong...

Yeah he just wants to be broken up. He doesn't even want to be with me. COOL.

*deep breath*

remember. hormonal. crazy.

*deep breath*

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

In Case You Were Wondering...

Yes, I took my two Blogger Accounts and integrated them into just Oopsababy. This was done because it's just inconvenient to continuously sign out and sign in over and over. So although I really started this blog the day or day after I figured out I was pregnant, there are older posts, dating back to May. Before blogger, I was a semi-loyal xananeer. I wish I had 40 years to integrate my xanga into this page as well, but that would be very impractical, as there are a good 3.5 years of faithful blogging. But if you'd like to go laugh at how funny I was when I was 16 and 17 (18-20...eh..), you can! www.xanga.com/ilovpoprox

Nothing too much else to say for now. Lloyd and I are on the outs. But not in a bad way. If that makes sense. We're trying to figure out how to handle being pregnant and being in a longish distance relationship. Wondering if being a couple right now is smarter than just going at this pregnancy Ross and Rachel style. If we get back together later? Cool. But it is something we're trying to talk through. It may seem strange to many people, but cultivating a semilong distance relationship on top of everything else going on seems like an unnecessary difficulty. However, I miss him and I know he misses me. Which is probably why he is on his way here right now, so we can continue the conversation that basically goes like this:

"being friends now would eliminate future breakups during the kiddo's life."
"I agree."
"But I don't want to break up."
"I agree."
"But it isn't about just us anymore."
"I agree."
"So what should we do?"
"I agr...wait what?"

something like that.

Three Important Things You Should Know About Me:

1. cravings during my pregnancy? Nothing too strong. But anything with strawberry artificial flavoring is positively happiness inducing. ex: strawberry milk. strawberry poptarts. strawberry lollipops.

2. Because I live alone, the majority of the time I blog to you, my audience, I am very truly as naked as possible. What's the point in clothes? They hurt. They suck. They don't fit right. So I only wear them when I have to.

3. If I didn't watch the Cowboy games, they would for sure lose. I watch them. You're welcome.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Visiting The Parents This Evening...

...And I'm not sure why.

I planned on telling my parents I was pregnant 2 weeks ago today. I told all my siblings, depending on my guess at their reaction, at different times during the week before. My older sister, who has been in lots of trouble with lots of people got to know first. I knew she wouldn't even blink an eye of judgment. I was right. She was and is so spectacular. Then one of my younger brothers got the news a couple days later. He is the most intelligent person I know, but is doing nothing with his life. People (including me) give him a lot of grief for this, and I just knew that I could trust him to not freak out. Right again. He put together a fabulous computer made from scrap parts around his house and brought it to me so I could have internet. He was silent when I told him (over the phone), and I could hear him smile and he quietly put the word "Uncle" before his own name. I teared up (because let's face it- that's what I do), and just like when I told my sister, I felt a little bit better.
I had three siblings left to tell. I waited a couple days. My youngest brother came to visit me, because we both live in Denton. I didn't plan on telling the remaining three until either the day of or the day before I told my parents. But this was my youngest brother- and the sibling I am closest to, and I couldn't keep it from him. I could tell he tried not to cry as he took in the news. He sat down, made a racial comment about my 1/4 black kid, and I knew he was going to be all right with it. I was right. He was great.
On Wednesday, my oldest brother called me. WHY? I freaked out. Thinking someone told him. He definitely was not allowed to know until Friday, the day I told my parents. He asked me if I was okay. He said my myspace bulletins and facebook status were not as cheerful as usual. I ended up telling him. He promised he wouldn't tell.
The next morning I called my other older sister. The one I was almost as scared to tell as my own parents. She was at work, and I felt bad for dropping news on her so early in the day. I needed to know that she could make it to dinner the next night though, and inviting her last minute, I knew that she wouldn't. She initially handled it so much better than I thought she would. She's the devout, "good" kid in the family. Always made good grades. Went to a great school. Graduated. With distinction. Traveled the world. Got a great job. Works hard. She reacted fairly well, telling me she loves me and I am strong and I can handle this and of course she'll be there. I was relieved. I felt 10 times better about everything. Now all I need to do is get through the following night. I told my mom that all the kids were coming to dinner. She was excited.

Friday comes, and my great friend Jamie is at my apartment, hanging out with me. Dave (My youngest brother, one I'm closest to) comes over, and the three of us are watching High School Musical. Jamie, trying to convince us that it is the greatest movie ever, Dave and I pointing out every reason why it's not, Jamie turning that around and pointing out how those reasons were exactly what made the movie great, us reluctantly agreeing...Dave's phone rings. He answers it and begins what seems like a perfectly normal conversation. Then. Jamie and I hear Dave say my boyfriend's last name. She turns down the movie and we turn to stare at him.

"Yeah. Uh huh. Sure. 'Kay. Love you too. Bye"

He hangs up and we stare at him. He turns back to the tv and stares at it nonchalantly.

"That was mom. She knows." He tosses out casually, still watching the movie.

That's when I freak out. Jamie's mouth drops and I scramble to think of who told her. Hands down, the three of us knew who it was. It was my oldest brother. My moms first child. Her favorite child. Of course he told her. Even after he promised me he wouldn't. The betrayal I still feel for him plagues me. It is uncertain how long it will take me to forgive him, and I am a very VERY forgiving person.
Jamie's phone rings. Mine is broken. It is my mom. I answer it, already starting to cry.

What follows is so scary and so traumatic that I don't even feel like sharing, because I don't want anyone to hate my mother, and I assure you that you would. You really would. No mother should talk to her children like that, ever. Not even if they murder someone. She screamed so loud, Jamie and Dave heard every. single. word. she said. Their eyes and mouths open wide the whole time. Me trying to take it like a man, but failing miserably. She ends up hanging up on me before I can explain ANYTHING that I planned on explaining when I TOLD HER in PERSON that night. Then I take a drink of water and immediately throw it up.

Dave gets up and takes his keys out of his pocket and heads for the door. "You can't leave us here after that!!" I say- hysterical. "I'm going home to make sure no one kills anyone." Dave is amazing. What a good guy. That's a good 45-60 minute drive.

And now, because I am tired and have a headache, the rest of the blog will be condensed and not as dramatic. BUT TRUST ME IT WAS.

Dave calls dad on his way home. Mom had already talked to him and sent him up to where Lloyd works to TALK TO LLOYD. Bad idea, obviously. She didn't just want him to talk to Lloyd. I know she didn't. I knew exactly what to do at that point. Call it conniving, call it unfair, I just call it using my resources wisely. In this case, my only resource was that I was his youngest daughter, and I was CRYING.

"Daddy?" (sobsobsob)
"I'm sorry." (sobsobsob)
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Don't talk to Lloyd right now. He's at work. You know that's a bad idea."
"I just. I'm just sitting in the parking lot not knowing what to do."
"Just go home.."

....then I proceed to explain to him a little bit about what I have planned. how I am going to finish school. Everyone that has helped me already, and everyone who I know will continue to help me. How Lloyd says he will support me no matter what. How everything will be okay.

He goes home.

He and my mother go to Lloyd's house to talk to his mom. Who doesn't know. She doesn't answer the door. She calls Lloyd and asks why my parents were there. He breaks down and tells her (expecting the worst). She is beyond amazing, because (after the initial "you guys are fucking idiots" "I told you this would happen" and "what are you going to name it?" speech....wait...wait...what are we going to what?) she was okay. She has a granddaughter that she loves with all her heart. Her view was pretty much the same as mine. Yeah, it happened, so why not be excited about it? Yes. Be smart. Make a plan. Stick to it. But surround that kid with love from day one. Even if it's no bigger than an eyelash. It deserves love and optimism. So good. That's out of the way.

I still go home that night. The only person who doesn't show up is my older sister who I was scared of telling. Dave is at a concert so he doesn't go either. I didn't think Doug would go, and I kind of wish he didn't. He tried to tell me why he told her, but it was hard to listen to him without wanted to rub my arm in his eyeball. I have shingles. On my arm. Awesome, by the way. Truly.

Home is sad and I cry pretty much the whole time. To make this long story a lot shorter, my mom wants me to give it up for adoption. Still. Today. Right now. She says she'll support me no matter what, and she's proud of me for not getting an abortion. But I know that even though she says she'll support me, she will never think that me keeping it is the right choice.

My dad is very awkward around me. And he cries when we have any decent amount of conversation. My mom is snippy and awkward, but won't admit it. We used to talk every day. Now we talk every 3 days or so. She cries too, sometimes. But mostly she's just angry. I really hope they snap out of it soon. I have not asked them for anything, and I do not intend to.

Contrary to what some of you may think or believe, I really CAN do this. I know I can. I can do this well. I can do this VERY well. I do not need pessimism in my life though. Not at all. I really do want to surround myself with love and support, because that's what I want to surround my baby with. So being here at my parents house, although they love me and will always love me, is very awkward and sad. I need them to get over it. I need a lot of people to. This happened. And now it is time to snap out of it, and be supportive, or get out of my life. I do not need you for anything. You are not good for me in any way unless you support me.

My child will not be in a sex ed class. Sorry. I will teach my child sex ed. Or, when the time comes and I feel like that would be too awkward, I will have his godparents teach him. That's what they are there for. People to turn to when I need extra help with things. Sitting in a class with your peers and watching your teacher demonstrate how to properly use a condom (read the directions. All condoms can break. Thanks. I'm not an idiot) is not okay with me. It's more awkward and uncomfortable than my kid learning things like that from people he knows. He will not be subjected to that. It is not a schools job to teach my children about sex. It is mine.

Even kids who took sex ed get pregnant before they're married! How strange! It is not just the kids that were "taught abstinence only"- Which- By the way- I wasn't! How crazy is that! I've been on Birth control since I was 17! I got on it ALL BY MYSELF. Because I was having sex. And I knew that getting on birth control would be the smart thing to do. I FIGURED THAT OUT WITHOUT BEING IN A SEX ED CLASS! WOW! I've used condoms since day one. I read the directions. I figured it out. I know where to store them so that they don't go bad. I know how to read the expiration date. I know when and how it goes on, and when it how it goes off. ALL WITHOUT TAKING A SEX ED CLASS.

Sorry. I didn't mean to turn this post into that post. But I also do not like that people think I was raised incorrectly, just because I got pregnant when I was 20. It happens. People have sex. Condoms break. Sometimes they don't work even when they don't break! Then, girls get pregnant. And some girls figure out exactly how to be happy and raise their child, and some girls get abortions. I can and will have a baby that I will love, nurture, and raise to have everything he needs, and many things he wants. I will never regret this decision. No matter what anyone says.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Dear Cowboys,

Nice win yesterday, guys. I liked how you sucked for a little bit to let the Eagles catch up, just for the sake of a good, close game. Let's not do that as much anymore, okay? Because sometimes it scares people, and although they never, ever lose faith (even in those seasons where you guys trulllyyyy did suck), they don't like to see their Boys falter, even a little bit. Even if it IS for the sake of having a more entertaining game. WHICH I KNOW IS WHY YOU DO IT. You're not fooling anyone. So please just CREAM Green Bay on Sunday. That would be swell. Thanks.

your most awesome fan,


Second Post Today: Update: Dr. Called Back!

She seemed rather worried... And had me come in immediately for an ultrasound. So I did. And may I remind you that I have no hot water. So I am pretty yucky. I showered two nights ago. That was the last time. Not last night. The night before. So I felt gross. But not TOO gross. Because there I was. All worried and stuff. At the doctor. And everything is perfectly fine. She has no idea why I am bleeding. She said she bled some with all three of her pregnancies, and every single time it scared her to death. It just happens. But she said it is still good to check on everything when I bleed a little heavier than just spotting. My gestational sac is measuring 1.15 cm! That's cool. That's bigger than last time. By a lot. last time it was .7 or something close to that. So yay! And I have another appt for September 26th. Which is an ex boyfriends birthday, I just realized as I typed it... Weird to think about that. Anyway! Yay! Everything is okay! Big sigh of relief! I cried a little! Because I was relieved. But not in front of the Dr. Even though I warned her that I was crazy-crying-girl. And she said that's good, everything is normal then :o) I really like her. She makes me feel very comfortable. I hope you enjoyed this nice huge paragraph! Proclaiming my relief! woooO!

Brownie For Breakfast & Going Crazy

I really want to do this right and be really healthy...but this morning as I browsed my fridge, ALL I WANTED was a brownie. And I had one. Just one. And it looked at me. And I have no milk. So in all sensible lands, I should not have eaten that brownie. But I did. And it was fantastic. And I took my prenatal morning vitamin. Because the ones I have you take one in the morning and one at night, and they both taste like rancid donkey mouth. Or...How I would imagine rancid donkey mouth to taste. I have yet to truly be SICK. Which is good. I know a few people who didn't really get sick during their pregnancies. But I also know people who were sick for the majority of it. So I guess we'll see what happens in these next few weeks.
Yesterday I started bleeding more. I've been spotting lightly pretty much the whole time. But it has gotten a tiny bit heavier twice. A couple weeks ago, and yesterday. I dutifully called my doctor today and am waiting on a reply. I would really like for this to stop happening. It is very worrisome and I already have enough to worry about without having to go through the spotting. Sooo I am sitting here sending "PLEASE CALL ME BACK" vibes to Dr. O in hopes that she hears me. I have faith that she will... I have class in a couple hours, and I would really like to hear from her before then.
So, lately, I am insane. Truly. And I am sorry to all those who have gotten to witness my insanity. Anytime I am insane around girls they are perfect. They smile and they tell me everything will be fine and they are sweet and soothing and nice. Somehow they get it. Even if they don't. Guys? Not as much. Some of them know how to deal. Some do not. They cower and quiver and do their best to get away from the crazy pregnant lady. For some reason, this makes me go even more insane.
Not insane where I am mean... I just... I just cry REALLY REALLY easily. Everything makes me either cry, or want to cry. I watched Little Women last night and ended up laughing at myself at how often I burst into tears during that show. "The girls are all hugging their mother!" *cry* "The father is wounded?" *cry* "Meg wants to marry that ugly redheaded guy?" *cry* "The father is back!" *cry* "AMY gets to go to Europe?" *cry* "Jo doesn't fit in anywhere!" *cry* "Meg is pregnant!!!!????" *cry* "TWINS?!" *sob*

You get the picture. Sadly, I have seen this movie so many times over the years, I know every single facial expression. Every single line. Can hum every single song. And yet STILL. I cried. Soaked my pillow. Crazy. Insane. Lady.

Good movie though, really.


Friday, September 12, 2008


So, you may have noticed my ticker went down. That's because different nurses keep giving me different due dates. Today my little gestational sac (awesome) measured at 4 weeks and 5 days. So that moves the due date to May 17. Everything looks good though and everything is so far going well so that's good news!! We haven't rescheduled another appt yet but she said next time we'll be able to see the embryo. Very awesome. My sister Callie went with me today. Dreams do come true ladies and gentlemen, because Callie says she has always wanted to see my insides via a wand-in-the-vagina. Lucky her. She wants to come again, because really, even if all we saw was a dot (a bigger dot than last time!), it was still pretty freaking exciting.

That's all for now! I really will update about telling the parents... But truthfully, I don't have the strength... Have a good one, internet.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Swelling With Things Other Than Water Weight....

My embryo potentially has a detectable heartbeat. I couldn't be more proud.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I have another Dr. Appt on Friday. I WISH IT WAS FRIDAY RIGHT NOW. Because no matter how uncomfortable and intrusive these appointments are, I really just want to be told that everything is okay.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

A Spotty Situation

All the parents know now. My parents and Lloyd's mother... That story will take me DAYS to write. Maybe even longer. It is so long and so drawn out and so dramatic and still going on. I can't even write it until everyone has calmed down. Until it actually has a more defined ending.

I've been spotting a lot this week. A lot. It is scary. And I do not like it. My doctor said that it is pretty normal and that about 20% of women experience some bleeding during their pregnancy, and some even throughout. With that news, I can sleep at night, but it is still something that is constantly on my mind.

Well... That and my spanish homework.

So...more later I suppose, when things aren't like they are right now.

*Lacey Jane*

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

aw little xanga...

I haven't forgotten about you!

Except I kind of have...

Good News! I'm feeling more...up...!

I suppose I need to stop stressing about things and just focus on school. Ha. I really am trying to do just that. It is really difficult because my mind is definitely elsewhere. Tomorrow I have a Dr. Appt with an OBGYN who was recommended to me by a new friend in my English class. She has a 7 week old daughter and is still in school, working hard. That's always nice to see. Lloyd (the father) comes into town tonight to go with me tomorrow. Just so I don't have to go alone. So I guess I shouldn't have been so hard on him over the last few days. He's coming around. I went to the clinic at school yesterday and got a revised due date of April 27th. It puts me a tiny bit ahead of where I thought I was, and so it was good news. I guess I should start talking about my actual pregnancy (still is so strange to say that...), as that is what this blog is for....So here we go:

breast tenderness
constipation (oh get over it)

.... And that's about it. See? No wonder I didn't think I was pregnant. I haven't been too too sick other than last Thursday... The only other thing I have noticed is that I quite enjoyed a tuna fish sandwich from Jimmy Johns yesterday. I H A T E tuna more than any food. So that was strange.

I suppose that is all for now. Telling my parents on FRIDAY. Wish me luck.

*Lacey Jane*

On another note- Happy 21st Birthday to my wonderful best friend Heather aka my little embryos Godmother. Be safe tonight Heather... drink for me too, but you know the rules about you know....expiring early...none of that.