Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Lots has happened! Update about it alllll later.
For now, I had a really great Christmas and I hope you all did too! I will try my darndest to find time tomorrow to tell you good people allllll about my year, but for now, I am too tired of transferring all my blogs, and if I read one more word about my life my eyes will probably fall out of my head and roll away.
See what I mean? Tired.
Friday, December 26, 2008
for the rest of the photos:
in some of those photos it is another girl, not Diana. But the ones with Diana are the besttttt! Enjoy!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
The answer is quite simple. Yesterday at the preschool, when I was hangin' out with my pre-k, all 18 of them, my head starting hurting. Then it started pounding. Then I had to have a talk with pre-k about how Miss Lacey is a big fat baby when it came to being sick at school. She didn't like it and it made her mean!!! Surprise surprise: ALL of pre-k is sick too! Their heads hurt. Their tummies hurt. Their throats hurt. I hear 100 stories about how they've "frowed up" in the past. My little hypochondriacs are very adorable as they sympathized but it really didn't help the headache situation.
So, I was Miss Lacey Grumpy Pants yesterday, but the kids were great, and actually, because I AM Miss Lacey- they never ever ever think I am mean. Ever. Probably because I don't look scary at all. Even when I try. I have to win them all with love and kindness. Some of the teachers can just give a look, and the kids straighten up. Not me. I give a look, and they smile or laugh and shake their heads like "oh Miss Lacey...it's cute that you try."
So anyway, why am I up at 7:29 in the morning on a Friday? Because I am sick. I am quite sick. I frowed up last night. Well, actually it was more like at various times this morning. Even when I had nothing to frow up. I continued to make beautiful frowing up noises. It was most unpleasant. And that's why I told you all about it. Enjoy.
As my Doctor put it, I work in the petri dish of America. And if you recall, my immune system ain't what it ought to be. Mononucleosis does that to you, and when I got mono, I got it BAD. Some of you may recall!
I realize this post could have gone as follows:
"I puked last night so now I won't even be going to work today because I am pretty sick because all those damn kids are sick and I didn't even make it one freaking week without getting their slimy germy sicknesses."
BUT WHERE IS THE FUN IN THAT!?
Also- I really do love those damn sick kids.
"I thought those puppets were fake BUT THEN THEY STARTED TALKING!!!!"
-Tanya, age 4, when Mr. Music and his puppet friends had left
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Some of you may recall that I recently mentioned that I was going to be visiting my doctor quite soon. That happened yesterday, and it went, well, it was intense. He basically told me that yes, I am a mess, but lucky for me I am a fixable mess, an easy fix at that, and pretty soon I will be back to being happy and loving and blahblahblah. So that's good news I suppose. I was given medicine to help me sleep, because it's been bad. I don't sleep much. When I do manage to fall asleep at a decent hour, I wake up 2-3 times because of bad dreams. A lot of times, I can't go back to sleep. SO hopefully starting tonight, things will go better in the sleep department.
My doctor recommended a lady for counseling. I will be thinking about that. It isn't about the councelling in general, it is that it is far away, and probably expensive. So we'll see.
He also said that my self esteem seemed to be at an all time low. Which I disagreed. "I'm the shit." I informed him. He said "What are your friends like these days?" And so I gave him a run down of how spectacular my friends are, and he told me to start hanging out with people who are in the same place in life that I am in. I said, "I do, all my friends are within my age group..." He said "that's not what I mean..."
So that kind of sucked... I really adore my friends that I hang out with a lot, so I will continue to hang out with them, but he says he thinks I would be happier with myself if I hung out with more students. Lame. I like diversity in my friends. My friends come from all walks of life. I like that. It helps me learn about all walks of life. I don't know. It was the most confusing part of our talk.
He also prescribed me xanax to help with anxiety and he doubled my zoloft prescription from before. I go back to see him in 3 weeks and hopefully I will be less of a mess. He's a good guy, my doctor. Just. Sometimes he confuses me.
Good news! I passed 3 out of my 4 classes. Failed math. Again. Go figure. I got 2 D's and a C, but STILL. Passed. Better than failing everything. This was definitely the worst semester of my entire life. I am usually a decent B student. Next semester looks promising. Except I am attempting math again. For the third time. We'll see. I hate it. It's hard and we don't get along. Math=Lame.
I'm working at the daycare again. Does anyone who lives near me (coughcristinacough) know of a place to work over the summer that er....isn't....the daycare? My immune system is not what it ought to be, and working in the petrie dish of America is really probably not the best place for me, especially during cold and flu season, when ALL the 2 year olds have neon runny noses.....
I think that is it for my selfish all about me update. There is a lot of dramatic things going on that I am getting tired of. Not tired as in annoyed, but tired as in- well- just. Tired. It is tiring.
And with that, I am going to go dry my hair. It's freezing outside. And it snows every now and then. Which is just sickening. Then I am off to work. Which I am not looking forward to, because really, I didn't get much sleep last night......
Sunday, December 7, 2008
At least 10% of US adults experience depression at some point in their lifetime- women twice as likely to have depression than men. Of all the people who suffer from depression, two thirds of them never seek treatment. It is estimated that half of all suicides are comprised of people with untreated depression. However, for the one-third of the population that does seek treatment for depression, 80%-90% feel better within a few weeks.
Many people think that depression is something to take lightly, or something that can be equated to people just being dramatic. A lot of parents with "dramatic" children do not talk about depression or teach their children about it because treatment for depression often includes taking medication, and that scares parents.
What would scare parents even more, is if their child goes untreated for depression because she was raised thinking that people who turn to medication for depression are unintelligent, taking the "easy way out", dramatic, or weak. People who are untreated for depression have a chemical imbalance in their brain, and some of them end up having "an episode" or, to be frank, they going crazy. Then, sometimes, they try to kill themselves. Then, sometimes, they end up in mental hospitals. How fucking scary would that be, parents?
My best friend is in a hospital right now being treated for severe depression. Because she was never taught about depression. She was never taught that it was all right to talk to her doctor about being depressed, and she was never taught that medication could help her. It's not okay to feel sad all the time. To always have that general feeling of malaise. She was taught that people that took medicine for depression were weak and crazy- and she was not weak and crazy.
When I was about 5 or 6, my mom had an "episode". She didn't try to kill herself, but for a good week she was not my mother. She laid in bed with no will to do anything, including be a mom to her four kids. A friend of my moms came into town and took care of us for a week or so, and my mom went to see a new doctor. Dr. Katzen saved my moms life, and in just another week and a half, my mom was back to being my mom. Because he introduced her to prozac for her depression, and to xanax for her anxiety. Anyone who has ever met my mother will tell you how very very strong she is. No one who has met her could ever call her weak, because she's simply not, and taking medication for her chemical imbalance saved her, and gave us our mommy back.
Lately I have been feeling wrong. I have an appointment to see Dr. Katzen, who has become a family friend, next week, because I cannot stop being sad. I can't stop crying, I can't stop feeling hopeless, and I can't stop having bad dreams and irrational thoughts. I was on zoloft for awhile throughout springtime and summer, but got off it because I was feeling much much better. I did well without it for a good long time, but now I am feeling more depressed than ever.
My best friend very unexpectedly trying to kill herself has been hard on everyone, but it has pissed me off because her parents never taught her correctly about what she was going through, and it almost resulted in her death. Had her sister not been there and called the cops, she would have successfully killed herself.
Her and I have had many many conversations about depression, and I have tried to get her to see a doctor, a psychologist or psychiatrist about how she has been feeling. She has thought about it, but her parents have never supported things like that. They raised her to think that she can work through all her problems with her friends and family to support her. Many problems can be worked through with loved ones. But some just cannot. And I can't stress that enough.
So, just to add on to the list of topics that most parents find uncomfortable, please try to educate your child on depression- don't make it a taboo subject. And if you yourself don't feel very educated on the subject, please do yourself a favor, read up on it with an open mind, and an open heart. You might just learn something important.
statistics and facts found on:
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
My car is broken. Undrivable. And I have no idea when I will be getting it back. So that sucks.
I'm almost out of zoloft, so I need to call in a refill, although I am thinking about just going back to the doctor (you know, when I can get a ride back to town) and talking to him again, because lately EVERYTHING is making me cry. It is not any sort of crucial time in my cycle, so it isn't that... I just can't stop crying. Over ridiculous things. SO lame.
How's this for a freaking lame update?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I like this picture because to me it looks both sad and hopeful.
There's me not worrying about things.
This might just be the moment I found the cutest little weed flower ever. It looked like a tiny daisy. Then I picked it and held on to it for awhile.
There it is. Hahaha.
This is my bestttt friend Heather. We met when we were three. She moved in across the street. I remember the first time I saw her. She was scooting along on a sesame street themed scoot-a-long thing. She's the one who lives in Austin. Until college rolled around, Heather and I always lived across the street, or down the street, from each other. We are so so lucky to have that advantage, and we know it. We never went to the same school. I really think that helped us. We always had stuff to talk about and we never spent SO much time together all day every day that we got sick of each other. She's simply amazing. 17 years and counting. My longest relationship :o)
This picture was taken by either Heather or Alex from the balcony. There are two of these. I really like both of them. That's Will and Sam that I am hanging with. Will is Heathers' roommate, and Sam is his bestie.
This is another best friend. Alexandra. We met in Kindergarten. I actually remember the first time I met her, too. She looked perfect. Nothing about her was askew. Her hands were folded, her feet crossed, her ties tied properly, her long beautiful hair combed.
Then there was me. A mess. No one could comb my hair. I had to think very hard to even sit still. My ties were constantly untied. I always forgot my modesty shorts. We sat across from each other. My hands were anywhere but folded neatly on the table. We were a perfect match.
We were the smartest, fastest learning two kids in that class. And throughout the next couple years at school. So at least we had that similarity. Some things never change. Alex still looks perfect. Every time I see her.
Here's me enjoying clouds.
It really was a very well spent day, in my opinion.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I really hope I am passing all my classes. I am going to make that a priority....to figure that out....tonight.
I have one more HUGE paper due, and that's it for big projects this semester. woo! The rough draft is due Monday. Yikes.
Next week there is just class on Monday and Tuesday. Then a small break for Thanksgiving, then we come back straight into dead week, then it's finals that next week, then boom. This semester from hell is finally over. I've signed up for classes next semester. Only 13 hours though. Because I have to work fairly often as well.
I am slowly....VERY slowly....starting to accept that I suck at life (in comparison with most my friends and my sister, annie), and will have to stay in college for an extra semester or 2. The thought of this actually makes me want to vomit all over my keyboard- but I would say vomit is a step up from the thought usually causing meltdowns in addition to the vomiting...
I am a good citizen and I gave blood today. Got a free t shirt. XL. Just my size. Or the only one they had left.
One of my peers from acting class called me up a few days ago. Haven't talked to her since May... We weren't very close, but I guess somehow she heard that I was pregnant and miscarried, and just when I can go a couple hours without thinking about it, I have lovely people reminding me.
Although, I am not angry with her. But turns out- she's pregnant. And has no idea what to do. She asked me what I did to have a miscarriage so she can avoid doing it. I very patiently, without crying, gave her a small lesson on miscarriages, that hopefully she learned and learned well, so that maybe if someone else in her life has one, she will avoid questions like "why did you have one?"
She's going to have a beautiful, healthy baby.
I know this because she doesn't know how far along she is to the exact day. She doesn't know how to spell obgyn. She doesn't know who the godparents of her baby are going to be. She doesn't have a tentative name for her child. She doesn't have very supportive friends, and the father ditched her and ran away immediately. She doesn't want this baby, and that's how I know she's going to have it.
On the 6th I am co-hosting an ABC Party. For those of you who aren't aware, an ABC Party means Anything But Clothes. I will be going as a game. Wearing a twister board as a dress or bikini, and gluing puzzle pieces and other various board game schtuff to my body. I'm excited.
I suppose that's all for this random update.
Wait! Every Thursday, I have been throwing romantic dinner parties for my two really awesome galpals. They drive in from North Richland Hills and we spend the evening eating a lovely meal, drinking lovely wine, and bitching about pretty much everything. It is awesome, and candlelit, and has really made my weeks better. Giving me something to look forward to and plan. This Thursday we have another girl joining us, so I am ULTRA excited for that! This will be the third Thursday that we've done this, so hopefully we can keep it up.
Okay. Lots of love to you, fellow bloggineers.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
And there was a girl. And she was in front of me. Semi-far away.
And I judged her in my mind, because that happens. To everyone. Admit it.
She was an interesting looking lady. I could not quite put my finger on why.
As she got closer, I examined her closely.er. closelyer.
She had wavy dark blond hair tied back in a ponytail. A knee-length black skirt, and a pretty peach blouse.
Not a bad outfit, really. But STILL. Something odd.
Luckily, i was both on my phone, and had sunglasses on. Which warranted extra-obnoxious staring.
As she neared even CLOSER, I gave her a once over. You know the type. You start at the top, you go to the bottom, you stop to focus on the girls boner,
THE GIRL HAD A BONER.
I didn't know UNT had TRANNYS!!!!!?!!!
This one? Not so good. Could see her DICK.
Anyway. That's my life.
"Hey Lady, NICE COCK"
in my head.
Oh I hate school these days. I fell a bit behind when I miscarried. It is SO BAD to fall a bit behind your junior year of college, because it is SO HARD to catch back up. I HOPE I am passing all my classes. I have been turning in all my assignments, but when I get them back with poor grades, they are not near as awesome as I thought they were when I first handed them in. I have no doubt that I will fail math. I might even fail English. I talked to a a lot of people in my English class today, though, and they all seem to think that she is a very unfair grader, and they all might fail as well. A girl got her paper back today and burst into tears. I looked at mine- a B+, hey awesome! But wait....-10 points for a formatting problem (A formatting problem. Not multiple), so a C+. Great. That sucks. For me. On an ENGLISH PAPER. My BEST subject. Guess not this semester. It is so frustrating to consistently do NOTHING but homework every single night, and still get poor grades.
Still no job. I completed my TABC yesterday so as soon as I get that in the mail I am going to go apply at sleazy bars up and down Fry St because NO ONE ELSE will hire me. Also, I wonder how I even think I will be able to hold a job when I can BARELY finish my homework from 5-11 every night.
Oh my friends are wonderful. I REALLY wish they didn't live 45 minutes away. Or that I didn't live 45 minutes away, really. I usually see friends on weekends, although now I am completely out of gas and completely out of money. So, FAIL.
Why didn't anyone tell me living alone was so lonely? And if they DID, why didn't I listen? I don't mind being alone during the day. But I hate being alone at night.
I eat damn well, thanks. Kind of. Sometimes. At least once a day. Better than most college kids.
I so signed up for NaNoWriMo this month. I have started at least 6 novels. Hated them all. Gave up. Started writing my movie. That's going well. Format isn't there. Plot isn't there. So far all I have are characters, and a bunch of stories to incorporate. That's at least a string to grasp at.
SO- Life lately? Sucks. Really. Just in the past 3 weeks or so.
NOT counting weekends. My weekends have been splendid. It's the damn weeks that really bring me way way down.
I just can't deal lately.
Thanks for putting up with my bitching for the day :o) it's appreciated.
Friday, November 7, 2008
....Well, except tonight. But I will be going with her! And I am very excited. I have gone over there with her once before, and I am going with her again tonight. I am excited because I thought I was going to be staying in Denton alll weekend long, and the thought petrified me, even though I know that is ridiculous. So now I have PLANS!!! And it includes riding in a car for about 4 hours, being silly, being bored, being obnoxious, and being it all with a good friend.
Sounds like a good weekend already.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I really just could not deal with that. So, being EXHAUSTED and annoyed, I wrote a note to my fellow republicans saying:
Okay so I don'
Now it's over.
If you can'
I didn't realize so many people would disagree with me. I usually have always tried to be a really optimistic person, and I can see good in every single person.
As a disclaimer to this note- I guess I should have been more clear that yes- I too am scared for America. I think we should prepare for war, because if the troops get pulled out of Iraq- I personally believe that Iraq will follow them. And then there will be war IN America, and I can't even begin to tell you how frightening that is.
But the thing is- I HATE how whiny and bitchy republicans are sounding. It kind of reminds me of how the democrats were in 2000. And I just wanted everyone to shut up when so far- none of that drastic change has even happened. And being optimistic- all I can do is pray and hope that it is as positive as can be, even though my gut feeling is telling me otherwise.
It's been wrong before. My gut feeling. Remember when I was going to have a baby? I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY. And then I miscarried. So, where were you on that one, gut feeling?
All I know for sure is, either way this country was screwed.
Gotta say though- From segregation to nomination in half a century is pretty cool.
As Dave says- the government is not our country, so America- I still love you lots. Good luck, and stay strong and united. Please.
"Americans will decide next week whether the next president will be a socialist or a national socialist. Lest you think I exaggerate, consider McCain’ campaign theme of "country first" before everything else – your private life, your job, your children, your education, your marriage, everything. Ask yourself how this differs from the philosophy of German fascism, which preached "the common good comes before the private good" (see Paul Lensch, Three Years of World Revolution).
Or consider the fact that McCain supported the Wall Street Plutocrat Bailout Bill. A defining characteristic of fascism was that all profits were private, but losses were socialized. And oh yes, military imperialism (a.k.a., "national greatness conservatism") and a dictatorial executive were also key features of European fascism. Recall that McCain promised that if elected (paraphrasing), "I will order the Secretary of the Treasury to buy up all of the foreclosed mortgages." Is that really a part of the delegated powers in Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution?
Then there is Comrade Obama, who has announced that he wants to "change the world" by "spreading the wealth." Didn’t Marx and Engels say the same thing in 1848? As is well known, Obama has long had a close association with ACORN, the far-left political organization that employed him as its legal counsel in Chicago. It is ACORN-style "community organizing" that Obama claims is his political forte and qualification for running for president. He boasts of having worked with ACORN to register tens of thousands of new voters and has defended the organization against all critics. It is safe to assume that there must be a congruence of interests between Obama and ACORN.
So the question becomes, what does ACORN (and by implication, Obama) stand for politically and philosophically? It so happens that I researched and wrote about ACORN over twenty years ago when I co-authored a book and numerous articles on the subject of "tax-funded politics," i.e., the (illegal) granting of tax dollars to "nonprofit" organizations to fund political activities. ACORN was receiving single grants from the federal government in the half million dollar range as far back as the 1970s.
And what was ACORN doing with your hard-earned tax dollars? According to the 1983 ACORN Members Handbook, "We will continue our fight until the American way is just one way, until we have shared the wealth . . . our freedom shall be based on the equality of the many . . ." Socialism, in other words.
The Handbook published a very communistic-sounding "Peoples’ Platform." With regard to the energy industry, nationalization was recommended in order to "put people before profits," one of the oldest of Marxist slogans. The Marxists never understood that in the free market the only way a business could earn profits was to serve its customers.
All of the public utilities should also be nationalized according to ACORN, so that the prices of electricity, natural gas, etc. could be determined politically according to "social considerations." Nor would there be any discontinuation of service for nonpayment, said the ACORN Handbook, which begs the question, "why would anyone pay their bills under such a standard?"
Price controls would be the order of the day for industries that were not nationalized, and the "health care plank" of the "People’s Platform" called for socialized health care. All hospitals would be managed by "democratically elected community-based committees." "Throw doctors and hospital administrators off the boards of directors, and replace them with a low and moderate income majority," demands the People’s Platform. Can you think of a better way to totally destroy health care in America?
The housing industry would also be subjected to the ruinous policies of price controls and prohibitions of evictions of tenants who failed to pay their rent. Welfare indexed for inflation would be part of "the rights of workers" when out of work, as would a "guaranteed minimum family income." Corporations would be required to have low-income rabble on their boards of directors to give "the people" a "voice."
In short, ACORN has always advocated nothing short of the destruction of American capitalism and its replacement by the dumbest and most destructive forms of socialism. For years, it made millions for itself by "challenging" bank mergers and branch expansions, as allowed for by the 1977 Community Reinvestment Act. In return for millions in donations and promises to make millions more in sub-prime loans to unqualified borrowers (i.e., "the people" referred to in "The Peoples’ Platform"), ACORN would withdraw its protests (usually administered by the Fed) and the banks would be permitted by the Fed to carry out their plans. ACORN worked diligently for three decades to force mortgage lenders, though this policy of legalized extortion, to make bad loans to unqualified borrowers. And their defenders, like Obama, claim that the Community Reinvestment Act and all of the "community organizations" that it empowered had nothing to do with the sub-prime crisis. It was all caused by "greed," they tell us. Have we really become a nation of morons?
So here’s your choice on election day: McMussolini (as Ilana Mercer calls him) or ObaMarx. Take your pick. Or do the patriotic thing and stay home. Don’t vote. It only gives them a reason to claim that "the people have spoken" and that they have a "mandate" to ruin our country."
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Mom didn't take my car. She got here ultra late (for her) and seemed to be in a really good mood. That's how I know she's been good at taking her medication lately. So YAY! Also, today I will be going to vote.
I didn't vote early. I should have. Now I have to leave math class early to make it in time. She's mean when people leave early. She makes fun of them after they leave. I will be failing that class anyway. For the second time. Math is totally not my forte.
We'll have a new president soon. Not that the current one has done such a spankin' job. But I am so scared for the country. No matter who gets elected, I cannot see anything EXTRA wonderful coming from either of them.
Have a great day, America. And please go vote. It matters. It counts. You'll feel good about yourself. You'll get a cool sticker.
So, when a young
When the young
" And, when the young
By the time the execu
By the time every
By the time every
By the time the press
By the time the chang
By the time the chang
You can call those
And, now I 'm back to the begin
Monday, November 3, 2008
I can't though, because 1- I do not have the time, and 2- I do not have the language skills necessary to describe my Sunday afternoon.
I will tell you, however, that it was indeed a truly spectacular weekend, full of friends, parties, driving and well...all this...other stuff. Just know, internet- that it was just wonderful.
Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. I got back to Denton this morning around 4am, and went over to Jamie's to finish some homework. Then, sometime in the four and a half hours between me getting there and leaving for class, my car got towed.
...again... because this happened last month...
So, needless to say- my parents are pissed. And now they're taking my car.
It gets increasingly difficult to remember how beautiful yesterday was, when today is just purely shitty so far. Maybe it's because I drove for 6 hours last night and then only slept for three, but my mood has gone way way down. I dread seeing my parents, and I feel terrible to let them down by getting my car towed... But I couldn't get a visitors pass so late and I really needed her printer to finish my homework for my 9am class!!!! Ughghghghg.
Now, I am stuck here in Denton with no means for escape. Just like I was stuck in KS with no car. And in Nacogdoches. And even when I lived with my parents again until I got here and had no car. I felt stuck. Just like I am stuck here now.
I was so excited to do NaNoWriMo, but now I'm not sure I will even start writing a novel. I don't feel like I would finish.
I really wish I could've filled this post with glorious stories about my weekend, but all I feel like doing is bitching about Monday.
In other news: Tina was a big hit...
Friday, October 31, 2008
Freshman Year: Gwen Stefani (with mono)
Sophomore Year: Britney Spears
And this year, I will become one of my ALL TIME FAVORITES, Tina Turner. Pictures to come...
Monday, October 27, 2008
a homeless person.
John McCain, gave him his business card and told him to
come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and
gave it to the homeless person.
Obama was impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, he
stepped forward to help. He gave him directions to the welfare office,
then reached into McCain's pocket and got out another $20. He kept $15
for administrative costs and gave the homeless person $5."
In this little scenario, obviously written by a McCain supporter, but still very close to truth- the fact is- both throw money at the homeless person, but do either of them actually acknowledge the fact that he is homeless?
I've always been so excited to turn 18 and vote. This is my first presidential election that I am able to vote in. It's pretty sad that I don't want to vote because I can't agree even 50% with either opponent. I will say that because the whole house is democratic right now, I don't think that we should have a democratic president as well. I didn't think it was right when the whole house was republican and we had a republican president either. Checks and balances.
I'm not very political. I do not enjoy political debates. When people write about politics, I read them, and take them for what they are worth, but never do I comment, because they are so free to their opinions, and that's cool. I don't like when people try to convert me either religiously or politically, because I am not an idiot. I read the candidates political sites, and I take what I take from them. I watch the debates, but not the news. I think the media is too corrupt, so I am not a huge fan of it, but I take what I take from the debates and the websites. My views are just as valid as anyone's.
.... This is probably the only "political" post I will ever write. I hate that I don't want to vote in this election. I hate even more that I probably will vote. I will vote for someone that I don't agree with. And I really hate that. In truth, I am sad that Ron Paul didn't make it through...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
"not so well."
"aw why not?"
"I got pretty behind"
"that's not good. How did you do that?"
"I had a miscarriage"
"Oh... well I'm sorry to hear that"
I've probably had that conversation 30 times in the last 2.5 weeks. People always look surprised, but I am not trying to hide anything.
It was never a matter of feeling like I couldn't talk freely about my miscarriage to whoever I wanted to. I talk freely about anything and everything that I want to talk freely about to anyone and everyone. That above conversation I have had with just as many strangers as I have people I know, love, and trust. I've been reading a lot about people saying that miscarriages are taboo and people aren't comfortable talking about them because that is how society has made it, but I have never really been one to go with the grain.
I think something that has helped me is that I have been exposed to miscarriages fairly frequently. As unfortunate as that is, I suppose it has helped me in the long run be more open about it, because the adults that had them when I was a child were open about it with their children, who in turn were open about it with me. I grew up with many catholic families. I know a woman who has been pregnant 15 times. She has 9 children. I know another who has been pregnant 13 times. She has 8 children. My grandmother had 2 miscarriages. I speak freely to people about my miscarriage because it DOES happen a lot, and it shouldn't be an uncomfortable subject. If someone missed a week of school because their brother died, they would tell people it was because their brother died.
Essentially, my baby died. So I think I took a well needed week off school, and I wish I could take longer off.
I really wish everyone had this take on miscarriages, so I wouldn't get the question I hate most.
.....are you serious? WHY? Because of all the heroin I shot up as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Because of all that alcohol I drank to wash down the pills I popped.
There isn't a specific reason, you asshole(s). I didn't do anything wrong. Sure. I was stressed. Even preggo's who PLAN their child (go you guys!) get stressed when they're pregnant. It's part of being pregnant. Stress doesn't cause miscarriages.
I know this post is not very organized, but it has been a long month, and I am just not feeling the need to write correctly. Please excuse how unintelligent I sound lately, and have a great night.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I generally like to leave posts up for a couple days so that I am sure that people read them, and then maybe I can get helpful comments on them... But I just feel so overloaded lately that I guess I shouldn't worry about that.
Okay. My list.
1. Highschool Musical 3- Friday
2. My take on miscarriages being taboo- Saturday
3. Politics (woah. scandalous. I NEVER write about politics. ever.)- Sunday
4. Living with Jamie these past couple weeks.- Monday
5. Moving back into my apartment.-Tuesday
6. Lloyd & Elliott- Wednesday
7. NanoWriMo- Thursday
8. Halloween- Friday
Okay. Good. Now at least I have a starting point. Tomorrow I will write about Highschool Musical 3. I will do my best to stick to those 8 topics over the next 8 days. We'll see what happens though, things come up, and side-stories take their place...
"When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter or a happy ever after"
-HSM2, "You Are The Music In Me"
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
But it feels like a really long time. Truly.
I used to be a really optimistic person, and I am even optimistic that one day I will be again. The past couple weeks I have been totally pessimistic, and it has been difficult to get anything done. I really need a job. I used to work at a sandwich shop but when I miscarried I took a week off, and suffice to say, they don't need people that take weeks off. They have 35 or so people hired for this little tiny sandwich shop. I don't really blame them, but it is so damn hard to get a job in this town. I will start working on it really hard soon. My mom has been really great in helping me out financially, but she has 2 other kids in college, another who needs help with student loans, and 2 other kids out there somewhere doing who knows what. She helps us all financially, and she works on commission only. Some months are really great and some are not. Even on great months it is hard to make ends meet for her. My dad recently (finally) found a job, but who knows how well that will help. He also will be working commission only, but he only barely started.
I really hate having to worry about money. I really hate that I am supposed to go to school full time and work full time and still have time to work out, eat well, and have a social life. I wish I could do all those things and still be able to volunteer my time to help other people, or go to church, or visit my Kansas friends or my Houston friends. But right now, I do not feel like doing ANYTHING. At all. None of it. I feel like laying around. Watching movies that I don't even really pay attention to.
But, internet, you'll be happy to know that I come to you today from the library at UNT. Because I had an assignment that MUST be completed INSIDE the library. I am almost ashamed to admit that this is my first time inside a college library since my freshman year. At the same time, the internet library offers many of the same resources that actually coming here does, so it's not really a big deal. The point is- I got up today, took a shower, DID MY HAIR (weird), even put on some make up- to walk 20 minutes in the rain to the library.
So here I am, mulling different things over, like clinical depression and how I don't think about it a lot even though it is all around me. Anyone who doesn't "believe" in clinical depression has obviously never met one of my best friends in the world. Or my mother. Even mild cases of depression are REAL and SCARY and SAD and painful. People who don't believe in depression at all are in severe denial in my opinion. They haven't met...well. Me. Even though! I digress! I am not a big huge case. I have depression medication that would barely affect an infant that I take dutifully because I do not LIKE feeling this way and I don't know what ELSE to do because everything else makes me want to die. Walking to class? Horrible. Moving at all? Terrible. Eating food? Disgusting. Taking a shower? Chore. Laying around in my own filth and hating the world? Not so bad, but really? Not productive.
So in a couple weeks, I hope to feel a little bit different inside. I hope to wake up again and love being who I am, where I am, and why I am. I hope to call an old friend and play catch up for 20 minutes. I hope to go outside and embrace the sunshine, the rain, the falling leaves, or whatever else is out there. I hope to not dread ever single day.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday I worked the Michael Buble (howww do I accent the e?) concert. I took tickets, which was nice, but I kind of wish I could've seen more of the concert. The guy is a charmbucket. No doubt.
Anyway, they gave me the line that they directed all the giddy pregnant women to. I didn't see the sign, but there must have been one somewhere. I lost count somewhere in the teens at how many went through my line, and at least 5 of them commented on how they were pregnant (by talking about how they had to pee, by happily pressing their friends' hands to their stomach, etc), and the whole time I was dealing. I can deal with that stuff. It's fine. Good for them. Lucky them. I'm cool. I'm dealing. I'm not crying. Shut up, Michael Buble, with your sad songs and your pretty voice, I'm not crying.
I might've TEARED a bit, but there was absolutely NO crying.
THEN. Then a grandfather came through the line with his two grandsons. An 8 year old (I assume), and a 6.5-7 month old. I would swear on it. I'm good at guessing baby ages. Based on how they act, how they focus, and how they look of course. Anyway- This sweet old guy (probably late 50's- not THAT old..) He came through the line and I commented on what a group of heartbreakers they were, which made him laugh, and the 8 year old look confused. They were so cute, especially, of course, the baby, who I really just wanted to hang out with. "Excuse me, he won't remember this. Give him to me for a few hours!", but instead I just smiled. Ya know.
About 3 hours later, he's walking around with his grandsons again, and they're heading outside. I smile at them again. Because I'm a smiley ticket taker. On his way back in, he literally THRUSTS HIS GRANDCHILD AT ME and says "Here take him, I'm done for awhile." in a smiley sarcastic voice, which had no negativity in it at all. He thought he was being so funny by handing a baby to me.
First of all- ouch.
Second of all- OH man. If I weren't wearing heels, I swear I could've outrun everyone with that baby. He was awesome.
Third of all- I held him for a good minute and a half before he realized he actually didn't know who I was, and wanted to go back to grandpa, who was smiling and flirting in a very harmless way the whole time.
Fourth of all- I love people that hand me babies. I love babies that want me to hold them (My whole life, babies and small children in grocery lines and church and anywhere have come up to me and tried to get me to pick them up. Sometimes I do, because I cannot resist, and sometimes I don't, because some parents freak about stuff like that. Which is understandable, but dude- your kid wants me to hold him/her. How can I say no?)
Anway- as nice and painful as that way- I know it was just the Universe sittin' back and laughing at me.
I haven't bled since Friday night/Saturday morning. All of Saturday and Sunday resulted in 3 clean pads. Woo!
TODAYYYY, I was pretty much accepting the fact that I have to go back to class. I missed my first one because I am too far behind to go sit in class while everyone works on stage 3 of something that I haven't even started... But I went to my afternoon class, celebrating the feeling of no underwear once again (I've never enjoyed wearing underwear), and my Spanish class went really well. No one talked to me, which was great. The teacher read my (horrible) Dr.'s note (more on that later) and excused me from all classes missed last week, including a quiz I missed.
Then I went on my way to my comm class. My favorite class! Cool. This will be enjoyable. I hope. I have an exam today, according to my calendar. SO I head for Wooten- the building that is furthest away from all my other classes and my apartment. But it's okay. It's comm.
Something doesn't feel right. That sucks. What is that feeling. It feels familiar. Whyyyy am I having that feeling.
(Those are the thoughts that are going through my mind, in case you were wondering)
I get to Wooten, go to the bathroom, and embrace, with much loathing, the torrents of blood issuing forth from my nether reigions. Soaking through my dark jeans and continuing to steadily drip as I sit there, cursing the Universe, who I can almost HEAR chuckling in the corner.
Lucking I'm wearing a really old, really long t shirt today. It was tied up a bit, but I let it down so no one would have to go through this happy time with me (except you fine people), and headed back home. Sorry Comm class.
Don't worry about the exam. I didn't even go to the correct building. The exam is NEXT Monday. Lame. But good. Sucks that I walked all the way to Wooten though, when my class was chillin' in GAB (RIGHT across the street from my apartment).
Needless to say, all it took was one glowing pregnant woman on my way home (I saw three, but ONE WAS ENOUGH) for me to burst into tears and come back to my apartment.
If it weren't for Jamie, I would be popping a xanax and going to sleep right now.
But I have a spectacular friend who invited me over later this evening, and I'm just going to go over there now.
Have a special day, everyone. I can't decide whether I want to get on the Universe's good side, or try to piss it off even more... Lately we haven't quite been getting along.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
So last night when Jamie and I drank a pot of coffee so we could stay up a few more hours to do homework, I REALLY should've taken that into account. That was at 10pm. Here we are at 2:05pm the next day. Have I even felt the NEED to sleep? No. Not even the need. I have even TRIED.
I am not looking forward to the low that this coffee high is bound to bring.
In other, more disgusting news- Still bleeding in lovely little chunks! Still having horrid cramps around the same time every day, which I find to be rather off putting (430am, 1030am, 430pm, etc). Still devastatingly sad! But hey. I wrote a fucking paper today! It was torturous, because frankly, I just do not care about comm2020, or identity concepts. It's a B- paper. At best. For me? That's not so hot. But I really don't care.
I promise to try to care next week. But even the doctor said not to care about anything but resting (oops) and getting lots of liquids until Friday or Saturday, when physically, I should be back to normal. If I am miscarrying normally. Which I should be. Doing something normally has never felt so wrong.
Anyway. I don't know if you can TELL how scattered I am right now, but I am going to go take a shower, because that's seriously what I need to do right now. Then MAYBE I'll unwind.
"I'm still awake."
"watching 7th heaven."
"in your condition?"
"i know. and it's like a 7th heaven marathon."
"are you crying yet?"
"sobbing. lucy just got married. it was so cheesy and beautiful."
"are you at least laughing at yourself for crying so hard at 7th heaven?"
I love my friends, truly. they get me.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
There was a girl working who I had never met before, because at the sandwich shop I work at, they've employed 36 people. So I am sure there are a lot of people I don't know. She hears me talk about my 95% chance of miscarrying, and, without hesitating, turns to me and says:
"You probably won't miscarry if you start eating well and maybe gain some weight."
She doesn't say it in a mean tone. She actually meant it as a helpful statement. She was lucky I was in a non-insane-lady-mood.
THEN, last night, Jamie and I were running a small errand, to buy cake or something equally important, and we ran into a guy from work. He asked me why I wasn't at work, and when I told him, he said that I probably miscarried because I've been under a lot of stress lately.
Because this was my fault. And I guess everyone who gets pregnant and goes along to have nice healthy, happy babies- I guess THOSE people are NEVER stressed ever.
I really hate people sometimes, and really what are sporks good for besides removing people's eyeballs?
This is nice. Why don't people realize this?
Monday, October 6, 2008
Last night. 9pm.
Stomachache. Not comfortable. Fell asleep.
Woke up. Stomach was not so bad. Went pee. Started spotting. Great. Perf. I texted Lloyd who tried to remind me that spotting was normal and there's still hope. All I could do was be positive. And drink lots of water.
Cue heavier bleeding, and me being pissed off. I was still at home at this point, about to make my way back to Denton. I knew it was starting and would probably get worse, so I took off. Called Lloyd who was at a friends house in NRH. I ended up going over there.
Hung out with some truly wonderful people. Bleeding heavily all the while. More and more heavily as the night went on. Cramps were moderate to bad, but still bearable. I started passing lumpy, bloody clots (mm I know you were excited to hear about those)..Lots of them. Said bye to Lloyd. Lots and lots and lots of crying. Very sad. Went back to Denton.
Hung out with Jamie. Went and bought pads. Huge ones. Because oh man. The bleeding. Imagine having 5 periods at once. With lots of clots. Clotsclotsclots. Jamie and I decided to go to bed. Jamie went into her room and I chose to sleep on the couch. Fell asleep. Probably on pad 6 or 7 by now.
Woke up every 5-15 minutes, went to the bathroom to hopefully rid myself of the cramps that were encompassing my lower abdomen with so so so much pain. I've had kidney stones twice. Those are horrible. This was just as bad, sometimes worse. The cramps radiated from my chest to my thighs. Horrible. So much blood. like a water fountain of blood, every time I was in any sort of upright position. I called my mom. No matter how old you are, sometimes you just need your mom. She got there and gave me extra strength tylenol and xanax. I finally was able to fall asleep.
"Lacey our cars got towed."Awoke to this lovely sentence, sat straight up as quickly as possible, shouldn't have- laid back down, even more defeated. Great. No cars. 160 each to get them out. Cash only. Between the three of us we don't have 320 dollars. But eventually it gets taken care of. Cramps have subsided. Bleeding as well. Eat a bit of lunch. Breakfast. Whatever it is. Called the doctor to make an appointment. Left a message.
Got the cars back. Got the cramps back. Finally got a call back from the doctor. Have an appointment tomorrow at 130 to make sure everything is going well. I mean as well as they could. You know. Took more tylenol. Mom is about to leave... Two best friends are on their way to be with me. There's just nothing for anyone to do, but it is so kind that they want to be here for me, just to be here.
That's all for now. We're pretty much caught up to now. A different nurse called me and was very kind. She went through this last month and gave me tips to help with pain. She was helpful. I am not looking forward to the next few days. As she said, the worst seems over, but I haven't passed the fetal tissue yet, and apparently that will be the worst part.
Emotionally I am just.
On xanax. So we don't have to worry about that at the same time as the pain. Ha.
Tuesday Night. 4am. The cramps returned. GAHHHH.... So horrible.
If we were going about this pregnancy from my last missed period, which we should've in the first place- I lost the baby at exactly 10 weeks 1 day. Just. Really sad.
The cramps have subsided again (tuesday- 1130am), but the bleeding is still there. Steady, not heavy, and clotty. Lovely. I have yet to go to class or work. Lloyd will be here tonight, and Jamie Shaie has been PERFECTLY amazing. I've been staying at her house. We pulled out the couch bed and I've been chilling on it. I am so blessed to have so many close friends. Part of me really wants to be alone, but part of me never wants to be alone again. It's a pretty obnoxious tug of war going on in my head...
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I just. Hate.
A story for you:
Today (pretend it's still the 3rd because I haven't slept yet and it's 3am, so it still feels like the 3rd to me...)... Today is day 6 of being diagnosed with a blighted ovum. I hate those words so much. But I also hate shortening them to "BO" because that sounds just as bad, if not worse. So. Day 6. Nothing much has changed. I haven't spotted since the last time I wrote about it. No symptoms have gotten worse or better. Everything is still the same. I may be just a tad bit more insane...
Other than that....Today, here is what happened:
I call the doctor in the afternoon, like they told me to.
I left a message.
They called back 2.5 hours later. They close at 5, they called back at 4:50. Cool. At least they called back.
They asked why I called. I told them I wanted the results of my blood test back. I got put on hold.
"Your hcg levels have gone from 2,956 at the beginning of september, to 12,749 at the end of september! So they have gone up a significant amount..."
"yes it looks like it!"
"what about october?"
"i got blood drawn yesterday. what about october?"
"let me call you back."
4:54. 4:55. 4:56. 4:57. 4:58. 4:59
"Your results for yesterdays test will be in on Monday afternoon. Just give us a call then. Have a great day!"
Oh goody. I know nothing new. Spectacular. Perf. Great.
I'm just. so. mad.
Not just at them. I guess they can't help that they don't have the tests back. Just....at the situation in general.
I just want it to all work out.
Thank you all for your prayers, kind thoughts, kind words, and positive energies. I really appreciate it.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
On Friday I had another sonogram. By last times measurements, I should be measuring at 6.5 weeks or so. However, there was no yolk sac, no fetal pole, so no heartbeat. The nurse told me there is nothing to worry about until a gestational sac is measuring at 20mm with no fetus. She was just going to let it go at that. I asked her what I was measuring at. After a pause, she told me 19mm. "I'm worried then." I informed her. "I want to talk to my doctor." I was really starting to get worried "oo...I'm not sure...She's pretty busy." This infuriates me to no end... I'm sitting here half naked on a table, and I sit up straight, cross my legs and tell the nurse "I'll wait." So she goes and gets my doctor to tell her the results. The doctor comes in a few minutes later and immediately jumps in with the news.
"There's something wrong with this pregnancy. It's measuring too small. You'll miscarry within a week or 2..."
she cuts off when she notices that I've started crying. No shit, lady. She looks really surprised, and her tone softens.
"Of course, I've been wrong before... but I'm pretty sure that this isn't going to work out. I'm sorry."
I nod. Still crying. Devastated. Angry.
"It's strange isn't it...you find out you're pregnant and you're like 'oh why me! what am i going to do! this isn't a good time for me!' and then something like this happens and you realize how excited you were..."
Oh wait except I WAS NEVER NOT EXCITED. So good news, after my appointment on Thursday, I will be finding a NEW doctor- if things are still going, that is...
Blighted Ovum. Yes, what I have is the most disgusting sounding "condition" in the entire pregnant world. That's a pretty old-school term for it, but it's easier to say than an "anembryonic pregnancy", which is what they're calling it nowadays. I was diagnosed 4 days ago, and since then have read countless misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories. I will try to not get my hopes up, but who are we kidding. If George Michael has taught us anything, he has taught us that we've got to have faith, and God knows that's all I'm running on these days.
It was one month ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant. Since that Friday morning, I have been through more powerful emotions than I have ever known. I've been happier than I could ever be. More excited than ever before. More scared to share something than I ever thought possible. More angry and hurt than I've ever known myself to be. More in awe of myself and what's going on inside of me than I could ever imagine. And now, after Friday, I have never been so sad. Never been so worried, and never have felt more sorry for myself.
I've done everything right. I know people that never ever wanted kids. That had a way more negative attitude than I did. They did not do ANYTHING "right" during their pregnancies. Yet, they have 1 or 2 smiling, dimpled, happy children that they love and adore... But they were just not looking forward to it like I was. AM. There is still hope. And I am clinging to it.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Nothing too much else to say for now. Lloyd and I are on the outs. But not in a bad way. If that makes sense. We're trying to figure out how to handle being pregnant and being in a longish distance relationship. Wondering if being a couple right now is smarter than just going at this pregnancy Ross and Rachel style. If we get back together later? Cool. But it is something we're trying to talk through. It may seem strange to many people, but cultivating a semilong distance relationship on top of everything else going on seems like an unnecessary difficulty. However, I miss him and I know he misses me. Which is probably why he is on his way here right now, so we can continue the conversation that basically goes like this:
"being friends now would eliminate future breakups during the kiddo's life."
"But I don't want to break up."
"But it isn't about just us anymore."
"So what should we do?"
"I agr...wait what?"
something like that.
2. Because I live alone, the majority of the time I blog to you, my audience, I am very truly as naked as possible. What's the point in clothes? They hurt. They suck. They don't fit right. So I only wear them when I have to.
3. If I didn't watch the Cowboy games, they would for sure lose. I watch them. You're welcome.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I planned on telling my parents I was pregnant 2 weeks ago today. I told all my siblings, depending on my guess at their reaction, at different times during the week before. My older sister, who has been in lots of trouble with lots of people got to know first. I knew she wouldn't even blink an eye of judgment. I was right. She was and is so spectacular. Then one of my younger brothers got the news a couple days later. He is the most intelligent person I know, but is doing nothing with his life. People (including me) give him a lot of grief for this, and I just knew that I could trust him to not freak out. Right again. He put together a fabulous computer made from scrap parts around his house and brought it to me so I could have internet. He was silent when I told him (over the phone), and I could hear him smile and he quietly put the word "Uncle" before his own name. I teared up (because let's face it- that's what I do), and just like when I told my sister, I felt a little bit better.
I had three siblings left to tell. I waited a couple days. My youngest brother came to visit me, because we both live in Denton. I didn't plan on telling the remaining three until either the day of or the day before I told my parents. But this was my youngest brother- and the sibling I am closest to, and I couldn't keep it from him. I could tell he tried not to cry as he took in the news. He sat down, made a racial comment about my 1/4 black kid, and I knew he was going to be all right with it. I was right. He was great.
On Wednesday, my oldest brother called me. WHY? I freaked out. Thinking someone told him. He definitely was not allowed to know until Friday, the day I told my parents. He asked me if I was okay. He said my myspace bulletins and facebook status were not as cheerful as usual. I ended up telling him. He promised he wouldn't tell.
The next morning I called my other older sister. The one I was almost as scared to tell as my own parents. She was at work, and I felt bad for dropping news on her so early in the day. I needed to know that she could make it to dinner the next night though, and inviting her last minute, I knew that she wouldn't. She initially handled it so much better than I thought she would. She's the devout, "good" kid in the family. Always made good grades. Went to a great school. Graduated. With distinction. Traveled the world. Got a great job. Works hard. She reacted fairly well, telling me she loves me and I am strong and I can handle this and of course she'll be there. I was relieved. I felt 10 times better about everything. Now all I need to do is get through the following night. I told my mom that all the kids were coming to dinner. She was excited.
Friday comes, and my great friend Jamie is at my apartment, hanging out with me. Dave (My youngest brother, one I'm closest to) comes over, and the three of us are watching High School Musical. Jamie, trying to convince us that it is the greatest movie ever, Dave and I pointing out every reason why it's not, Jamie turning that around and pointing out how those reasons were exactly what made the movie great, us reluctantly agreeing...Dave's phone rings. He answers it and begins what seems like a perfectly normal conversation. Then. Jamie and I hear Dave say my boyfriend's last name. She turns down the movie and we turn to stare at him.
"Yeah. Uh huh. Sure. 'Kay. Love you too. Bye"
He hangs up and we stare at him. He turns back to the tv and stares at it nonchalantly.
"That was mom. She knows." He tosses out casually, still watching the movie.
That's when I freak out. Jamie's mouth drops and I scramble to think of who told her. Hands down, the three of us knew who it was. It was my oldest brother. My moms first child. Her favorite child. Of course he told her. Even after he promised me he wouldn't. The betrayal I still feel for him plagues me. It is uncertain how long it will take me to forgive him, and I am a very VERY forgiving person.
Jamie's phone rings. Mine is broken. It is my mom. I answer it, already starting to cry.
What follows is so scary and so traumatic that I don't even feel like sharing, because I don't want anyone to hate my mother, and I assure you that you would. You really would. No mother should talk to her children like that, ever. Not even if they murder someone. She screamed so loud, Jamie and Dave heard every. single. word. she said. Their eyes and mouths open wide the whole time. Me trying to take it like a man, but failing miserably. She ends up hanging up on me before I can explain ANYTHING that I planned on explaining when I TOLD HER in PERSON that night. Then I take a drink of water and immediately throw it up.
Dave gets up and takes his keys out of his pocket and heads for the door. "You can't leave us here after that!!" I say- hysterical. "I'm going home to make sure no one kills anyone." Dave is amazing. What a good guy. That's a good 45-60 minute drive.
And now, because I am tired and have a headache, the rest of the blog will be condensed and not as dramatic. BUT TRUST ME IT WAS.
Dave calls dad on his way home. Mom had already talked to him and sent him up to where Lloyd works to TALK TO LLOYD. Bad idea, obviously. She didn't just want him to talk to Lloyd. I know she didn't. I knew exactly what to do at that point. Call it conniving, call it unfair, I just call it using my resources wisely. In this case, my only resource was that I was his youngest daughter, and I was CRYING.
"I'm sorry." (sobsobsob)
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Don't talk to Lloyd right now. He's at work. You know that's a bad idea."
"I just. I'm just sitting in the parking lot not knowing what to do."
"Just go home.."
....then I proceed to explain to him a little bit about what I have planned. how I am going to finish school. Everyone that has helped me already, and everyone who I know will continue to help me. How Lloyd says he will support me no matter what. How everything will be okay.
He goes home.
He and my mother go to Lloyd's house to talk to his mom. Who doesn't know. She doesn't answer the door. She calls Lloyd and asks why my parents were there. He breaks down and tells her (expecting the worst). She is beyond amazing, because (after the initial "you guys are fucking idiots" "I told you this would happen" and "what are you going to name it?" speech....wait...wait...what are we going to what?) she was okay. She has a granddaughter that she loves with all her heart. Her view was pretty much the same as mine. Yeah, it happened, so why not be excited about it? Yes. Be smart. Make a plan. Stick to it. But surround that kid with love from day one. Even if it's no bigger than an eyelash. It deserves love and optimism. So good. That's out of the way.
I still go home that night. The only person who doesn't show up is my older sister who I was scared of telling. Dave is at a concert so he doesn't go either. I didn't think Doug would go, and I kind of wish he didn't. He tried to tell me why he told her, but it was hard to listen to him without wanted to rub my arm in his eyeball. I have shingles. On my arm. Awesome, by the way. Truly.
Home is sad and I cry pretty much the whole time. To make this long story a lot shorter, my mom wants me to give it up for adoption. Still. Today. Right now. She says she'll support me no matter what, and she's proud of me for not getting an abortion. But I know that even though she says she'll support me, she will never think that me keeping it is the right choice.
My dad is very awkward around me. And he cries when we have any decent amount of conversation. My mom is snippy and awkward, but won't admit it. We used to talk every day. Now we talk every 3 days or so. She cries too, sometimes. But mostly she's just angry. I really hope they snap out of it soon. I have not asked them for anything, and I do not intend to.
Contrary to what some of you may think or believe, I really CAN do this. I know I can. I can do this well. I can do this VERY well. I do not need pessimism in my life though. Not at all. I really do want to surround myself with love and support, because that's what I want to surround my baby with. So being here at my parents house, although they love me and will always love me, is very awkward and sad. I need them to get over it. I need a lot of people to. This happened. And now it is time to snap out of it, and be supportive, or get out of my life. I do not need you for anything. You are not good for me in any way unless you support me.
My child will not be in a sex ed class. Sorry. I will teach my child sex ed. Or, when the time comes and I feel like that would be too awkward, I will have his godparents teach him. That's what they are there for. People to turn to when I need extra help with things. Sitting in a class with your peers and watching your teacher demonstrate how to properly use a condom (read the directions. All condoms can break. Thanks. I'm not an idiot) is not okay with me. It's more awkward and uncomfortable than my kid learning things like that from people he knows. He will not be subjected to that. It is not a schools job to teach my children about sex. It is mine.
Even kids who took sex ed get pregnant before they're married! How strange! It is not just the kids that were "taught abstinence only"- Which- By the way- I wasn't! How crazy is that! I've been on Birth control since I was 17! I got on it ALL BY MYSELF. Because I was having sex. And I knew that getting on birth control would be the smart thing to do. I FIGURED THAT OUT WITHOUT BEING IN A SEX ED CLASS! WOW! I've used condoms since day one. I read the directions. I figured it out. I know where to store them so that they don't go bad. I know how to read the expiration date. I know when and how it goes on, and when it how it goes off. ALL WITHOUT TAKING A SEX ED CLASS.
Sorry. I didn't mean to turn this post into that post. But I also do not like that people think I was raised incorrectly, just because I got pregnant when I was 20. It happens. People have sex. Condoms break. Sometimes they don't work even when they don't break! Then, girls get pregnant. And some girls figure out exactly how to be happy and raise their child, and some girls get abortions. I can and will have a baby that I will love, nurture, and raise to have everything he needs, and many things he wants. I will never regret this decision. No matter what anyone says.