Friday, October 31, 2008


Happy Halloween! I love halloween. Very very much so. Over the past 3 years, I have been different diva's...Observe:

Freshman Year: Gwen Stefani (with mono)

Sophomore Year: Britney Spears

Classic Britney-Twat-Shot:

And this year, I will become one of my ALL TIME FAVORITES, Tina Turner. Pictures to come...

Monday, October 27, 2008

Boo Obama- and Boo McCain....I don't like either of them.

"John McCain and Barack Obama were walking down the street and came to
a homeless person.

John McCain, gave him his business card and told him to
come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and
gave it to the homeless person.

Obama was impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, he
stepped forward to help. He gave him directions to the welfare office,
then reached into McCain's pocket and got out another $20. He kept $15
for administrative costs and gave the homeless person $5."

In this little scenario, obviously written by a McCain supporter, but still very close to truth- the fact is- both throw money at the homeless person, but do either of them actually acknowledge the fact that he is homeless?

I've always been so excited to turn 18 and vote. This is my first presidential election that I am able to vote in. It's pretty sad that I don't want to vote because I can't agree even 50% with either opponent. I will say that because the whole house is democratic right now, I don't think that we should have a democratic president as well. I didn't think it was right when the whole house was republican and we had a republican president either. Checks and balances.

I'm not very political. I do not enjoy political debates. When people write about politics, I read them, and take them for what they are worth, but never do I comment, because they are so free to their opinions, and that's cool. I don't like when people try to convert me either religiously or politically, because I am not an idiot. I read the candidates political sites, and I take what I take from them. I watch the debates, but not the news. I think the media is too corrupt, so I am not a huge fan of it, but I take what I take from the debates and the websites. My views are just as valid as anyone's.

.... This is probably the only "political" post I will ever write. I hate that I don't want to vote in this election. I hate even more that I probably will vote. I will vote for someone that I don't agree with. And I really hate that. In truth, I am sad that Ron Paul didn't make it through...

Saturday, October 25, 2008


"How is school going?"
"not so well."
"aw why not?"
"I got pretty behind"
"that's not good. How did you do that?"
"I had a miscarriage"
"Oh... well I'm sorry to hear that"

I've probably had that conversation 30 times in the last 2.5 weeks. People always look surprised, but I am not trying to hide anything.

It was never a matter of feeling like I couldn't talk freely about my miscarriage to whoever I wanted to. I talk freely about anything and everything that I want to talk freely about to anyone and everyone. That above conversation I have had with just as many strangers as I have people I know, love, and trust. I've been reading a lot about people saying that miscarriages are taboo and people aren't comfortable talking about them because that is how society has made it, but I have never really been one to go with the grain.
I think something that has helped me is that I have been exposed to miscarriages fairly frequently. As unfortunate as that is, I suppose it has helped me in the long run be more open about it, because the adults that had them when I was a child were open about it with their children, who in turn were open about it with me. I grew up with many catholic families. I know a woman who has been pregnant 15 times. She has 9 children. I know another who has been pregnant 13 times. She has 8 children. My grandmother had 2 miscarriages. I speak freely to people about my miscarriage because it DOES happen a lot, and it shouldn't be an uncomfortable subject. If someone missed a week of school because their brother died, they would tell people it was because their brother died.
Essentially, my baby died. So I think I took a well needed week off school, and I wish I could take longer off.
I really wish everyone had this take on miscarriages, so I wouldn't get the question I hate most.


.....are you serious? WHY? Because of all the heroin I shot up as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Because of all that alcohol I drank to wash down the pills I popped.

There isn't a specific reason, you asshole(s). I didn't do anything wrong. Sure. I was stressed. Even preggo's who PLAN their child (go you guys!) get stressed when they're pregnant. It's part of being pregnant. Stress doesn't cause miscarriages.

I know this post is not very organized, but it has been a long month, and I am just not feeling the need to write correctly. Please excuse how unintelligent I sound lately, and have a great night.

*Lacey Jane*

Friday, October 24, 2008

HSM 3 Premiere

In case you didn't know, within the last two months I have seen Highschool Musical and Highschool Musical 2 an inexcusable amount of times with my good friend, Jamie. She's a big fan, and lent me the first one. I watched it, hated it, judged her, and with lots of whining and pleading on her part, rewatched it. This time, with her.

Watching it WITH Jamie was an entire different ball park. There are so many glaring errors in the first two HSM's, and Jamie knows where all of them are. If you watch them with a huge sense of humor, knowing that they are as cheesy as they could possibly be, you will eventually grow to love those damn movies.

SO much so, that you and a group of your friends go see the midnight premiere of the third and final movie.

....Dressed like this:

Ryan, Sharpay, Troy, Gabriella, and Taylor

Yes, we had a white girl as a mexican girl, and a mexican girl as an african american girl. We didn't do it to offend, but to tribute and be as accurate as possible. Please give me your opinions on this, because I plan on doing a similar thing for Halloween.

Also, I realize that the Wildcats aren't blue and white, they're red and white, but we worked with what we had. I really loved being Sharpay and Ryan with Jon. He was a champ. We were stars. And...and we had stars. Glued to our faces. To emphasize the point that we were stars.

Anyway. All in all good time. The movie was good, cheesy and cute, just like we all knew it would be, and afterwards- a 9 year old fan got to have her picture taken with us. Overall successful night.

"For all these years
We've stood together,
Friends forever
Now we are gunna move on
The future is our divide,
But our friendshipIt will never end.
Let's hold hands one more time,
Enjoy the night,
Enjoy the memory
For it will never end."
-It Will Never End, HSM3

Thursday, October 23, 2008

So Much To Talk About!!!!!

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but you don't want to put it ALL in one blog post? I have so many topics to write on but I do not want to write a novel on here about everything that I want to say. I want to keep my posts medium-medium long in length so that they aren't ridiculous and get boring. But I just want to say it all right now. SO I guess the logical (in my mind anyway) thing to do is make a list (of course. I'm very listy) of things I want to talk about- and take it one day at a time.

I generally like to leave posts up for a couple days so that I am sure that people read them, and then maybe I can get helpful comments on them... But I just feel so overloaded lately that I guess I shouldn't worry about that.

Okay. My list.

1. Highschool Musical 3- Friday
2. My take on miscarriages being taboo- Saturday
3. Politics (woah. scandalous. I NEVER write about politics. ever.)- Sunday
4. Living with Jamie these past couple weeks.- Monday
5. Moving back into my apartment.-Tuesday
6. Lloyd & Elliott- Wednesday
7. NanoWriMo- Thursday
8. Halloween- Friday

Okay. Good. Now at least I have a starting point. Tomorrow I will write about Highschool Musical 3. I will do my best to stick to those 8 topics over the next 8 days. We'll see what happens though, things come up, and side-stories take their place...

*Lacey Jane*

"When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter or a happy ever after"
-HSM2, "You Are The Music In Me"

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Small Warning...

I am going to begin the very very slow and tedious process of updating ALL my xanga posts to this blog. I know. That's crazy talk. But I feel the need. I might try to upload 1 or 2 pages a day. I was 16 when I started blogging. When I think about it, that is not that long ago.

But it feels like a really long time. Truly.


Blogosphere, I think the World is in a slump. Maybe it's just me (and everyone else I know and/or come across), but is everything kind of blah lately? Marriages are breaking up, people are getting really sick, people are becoming more depressed and unhappy as the minutes pass. Whattttt is going on? I can't really blame it on the weather anymore, like I have been doing. It doesn't really matter what the weather is like, I can always blame something on it. I thought I would just kind of throw that out there and see if anyone else is experiencing negativity overload.
I used to be a really optimistic person, and I am even optimistic that one day I will be again. The past couple weeks I have been totally pessimistic, and it has been difficult to get anything done. I really need a job. I used to work at a sandwich shop but when I miscarried I took a week off, and suffice to say, they don't need people that take weeks off. They have 35 or so people hired for this little tiny sandwich shop. I don't really blame them, but it is so damn hard to get a job in this town. I will start working on it really hard soon. My mom has been really great in helping me out financially, but she has 2 other kids in college, another who needs help with student loans, and 2 other kids out there somewhere doing who knows what. She helps us all financially, and she works on commission only. Some months are really great and some are not. Even on great months it is hard to make ends meet for her. My dad recently (finally) found a job, but who knows how well that will help. He also will be working commission only, but he only barely started.
I really hate having to worry about money. I really hate that I am supposed to go to school full time and work full time and still have time to work out, eat well, and have a social life. I wish I could do all those things and still be able to volunteer my time to help other people, or go to church, or visit my Kansas friends or my Houston friends. But right now, I do not feel like doing ANYTHING. At all. None of it. I feel like laying around. Watching movies that I don't even really pay attention to.
But, internet, you'll be happy to know that I come to you today from the library at UNT. Because I had an assignment that MUST be completed INSIDE the library. I am almost ashamed to admit that this is my first time inside a college library since my freshman year. At the same time, the internet library offers many of the same resources that actually coming here does, so it's not really a big deal. The point is- I got up today, took a shower, DID MY HAIR (weird), even put on some make up- to walk 20 minutes in the rain to the library.
So here I am, mulling different things over, like clinical depression and how I don't think about it a lot even though it is all around me. Anyone who doesn't "believe" in clinical depression has obviously never met one of my best friends in the world. Or my mother. Even mild cases of depression are REAL and SCARY and SAD and painful. People who don't believe in depression at all are in severe denial in my opinion. They haven't met...well. Me. Even though! I digress! I am not a big huge case. I have depression medication that would barely affect an infant that I take dutifully because I do not LIKE feeling this way and I don't know what ELSE to do because everything else makes me want to die. Walking to class? Horrible. Moving at all? Terrible. Eating food? Disgusting. Taking a shower? Chore. Laying around in my own filth and hating the world? Not so bad, but really? Not productive.
So in a couple weeks, I hope to feel a little bit different inside. I hope to wake up again and love being who I am, where I am, and why I am. I hope to call an old friend and play catch up for 20 minutes. I hope to go outside and embrace the sunshine, the rain, the falling leaves, or whatever else is out there. I hope to not dread ever single day.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I GET IT, Universe. PLEASE Stop Mocking Me. ASAP.

I've heard that when you miscarry, you tend to see a lot of pregnant ladies or people with babies a bit more than before you were ever pregnant. What I have not heard is really just how downright CRUEL the Universe can actually be. I really thought that we were homeboys. The Universizzle and myself. But I guess not.

Saturday I worked the Michael Buble (howww do I accent the e?) concert. I took tickets, which was nice, but I kind of wish I could've seen more of the concert. The guy is a charmbucket. No doubt.

Anyway, they gave me the line that they directed all the giddy pregnant women to. I didn't see the sign, but there must have been one somewhere. I lost count somewhere in the teens at how many went through my line, and at least 5 of them commented on how they were pregnant (by talking about how they had to pee, by happily pressing their friends' hands to their stomach, etc), and the whole time I was dealing. I can deal with that stuff. It's fine. Good for them. Lucky them. I'm cool. I'm dealing. I'm not crying. Shut up, Michael Buble, with your sad songs and your pretty voice, I'm not crying.

I might've TEARED a bit, but there was absolutely NO crying.

THEN. Then a grandfather came through the line with his two grandsons. An 8 year old (I assume), and a 6.5-7 month old. I would swear on it. I'm good at guessing baby ages. Based on how they act, how they focus, and how they look of course. Anyway- This sweet old guy (probably late 50's- not THAT old..) He came through the line and I commented on what a group of heartbreakers they were, which made him laugh, and the 8 year old look confused. They were so cute, especially, of course, the baby, who I really just wanted to hang out with. "Excuse me, he won't remember this. Give him to me for a few hours!", but instead I just smiled. Ya know.

About 3 hours later, he's walking around with his grandsons again, and they're heading outside. I smile at them again. Because I'm a smiley ticket taker. On his way back in, he literally THRUSTS HIS GRANDCHILD AT ME and says "Here take him, I'm done for awhile." in a smiley sarcastic voice, which had no negativity in it at all. He thought he was being so funny by handing a baby to me.

First of all- ouch.

Second of all- OH man. If I weren't wearing heels, I swear I could've outrun everyone with that baby. He was awesome.

Third of all- I held him for a good minute and a half before he realized he actually didn't know who I was, and wanted to go back to grandpa, who was smiling and flirting in a very harmless way the whole time.

Fourth of all- I love people that hand me babies. I love babies that want me to hold them (My whole life, babies and small children in grocery lines and church and anywhere have come up to me and tried to get me to pick them up. Sometimes I do, because I cannot resist, and sometimes I don't, because some parents freak about stuff like that. Which is understandable, but dude- your kid wants me to hold him/her. How can I say no?)

Anway- as nice and painful as that way- I know it was just the Universe sittin' back and laughing at me.

I haven't bled since Friday night/Saturday morning. All of Saturday and Sunday resulted in 3 clean pads. Woo!

TODAYYYY, I was pretty much accepting the fact that I have to go back to class. I missed my first one because I am too far behind to go sit in class while everyone works on stage 3 of something that I haven't even started... But I went to my afternoon class, celebrating the feeling of no underwear once again (I've never enjoyed wearing underwear), and my Spanish class went really well. No one talked to me, which was great. The teacher read my (horrible) Dr.'s note (more on that later) and excused me from all classes missed last week, including a quiz I missed.

Then I went on my way to my comm class. My favorite class! Cool. This will be enjoyable. I hope. I have an exam today, according to my calendar. SO I head for Wooten- the building that is furthest away from all my other classes and my apartment. But it's okay. It's comm.

Something doesn't feel right. That sucks. What is that feeling. It feels familiar. Whyyyy am I having that feeling.

(Those are the thoughts that are going through my mind, in case you were wondering)

I get to Wooten, go to the bathroom, and embrace, with much loathing, the torrents of blood issuing forth from my nether reigions. Soaking through my dark jeans and continuing to steadily drip as I sit there, cursing the Universe, who I can almost HEAR chuckling in the corner.

Lucking I'm wearing a really old, really long t shirt today. It was tied up a bit, but I let it down so no one would have to go through this happy time with me (except you fine people), and headed back home. Sorry Comm class.

Don't worry about the exam. I didn't even go to the correct building. The exam is NEXT Monday. Lame. But good. Sucks that I walked all the way to Wooten though, when my class was chillin' in GAB (RIGHT across the street from my apartment).

Needless to say, all it took was one glowing pregnant woman on my way home (I saw three, but ONE WAS ENOUGH) for me to burst into tears and come back to my apartment.

If it weren't for Jamie, I would be popping a xanax and going to sleep right now.

But I have a spectacular friend who invited me over later this evening, and I'm just going to go over there now.

Have a special day, everyone. I can't decide whether I want to get on the Universe's good side, or try to piss it off even more... Lately we haven't quite been getting along.

*Lacey Jane*

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dear Cowboys,

You guys are about to go into overtime. Just wanted to say thanks for the hives.

-Lacey Jane

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Caffeine...Probably Not The Best Idea...

I haven't had caffeine since probably 3 or 4 days prior to finding out I was pregnant. So it's been about a month and a half.

So last night when Jamie and I drank a pot of coffee so we could stay up a few more hours to do homework, I REALLY should've taken that into account. That was at 10pm. Here we are at 2:05pm the next day. Have I even felt the NEED to sleep? No. Not even the need. I have even TRIED.

I am not looking forward to the low that this coffee high is bound to bring.

In other, more disgusting news- Still bleeding in lovely little chunks! Still having horrid cramps around the same time every day, which I find to be rather off putting (430am, 1030am, 430pm, etc). Still devastatingly sad! But hey. I wrote a fucking paper today! It was torturous, because frankly, I just do not care about comm2020, or identity concepts. It's a B- paper. At best. For me? That's not so hot. But I really don't care.

I promise to try to care next week. But even the doctor said not to care about anything but resting (oops) and getting lots of liquids until Friday or Saturday, when physically, I should be back to normal. If I am miscarrying normally. Which I should be. Doing something normally has never felt so wrong.

Anyway. I don't know if you can TELL how scattered I am right now, but I am going to go take a shower, because that's seriously what I need to do right now. Then MAYBE I'll unwind.

*Lacey Jane*
"I'm still awake."
"watching 7th heaven."
"in your condition?"
"i know. and it's like a 7th heaven marathon."
"are you crying yet?"
"sobbing. lucy just got married. it was so cheesy and beautiful."
"are you at least laughing at yourself for crying so hard at 7th heaven?"
"you betcha."

I love my friends, truly. they get me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Sometimes I Wish I Carried A Spork Around With Me....

Right after my doctor told me I would lose this baby, I had to go to class. Then work. Obviously that was not a good day, but you do what you have to do. At work, people asked me how my appointment went, and, not being one who has any personal life whatsoever, simply because I don't really care if you know everything about me- I told them.

There was a girl working who I had never met before, because at the sandwich shop I work at, they've employed 36 people. So I am sure there are a lot of people I don't know. She hears me talk about my 95% chance of miscarrying, and, without hesitating, turns to me and says:

"You probably won't miscarry if you start eating well and maybe gain some weight."

She doesn't say it in a mean tone. She actually meant it as a helpful statement. She was lucky I was in a non-insane-lady-mood.

THEN, last night, Jamie and I were running a small errand, to buy cake or something equally important, and we ran into a guy from work. He asked me why I wasn't at work, and when I told him, he said that I probably miscarried because I've been under a lot of stress lately.

Because this was my fault. And I guess everyone who gets pregnant and goes along to have nice healthy, happy babies- I guess THOSE people are NEVER stressed ever.

I really hate people sometimes, and really what are sporks good for besides removing people's eyeballs?

This is nice. Why don't people realize this?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Your Time in Limbo is Officially Over! Welcome to Hell.

I've read a decent amount on the internet about miscarriages. They all say about the same thing. That you will have heavy bleeding and uncomfortable cramps. I don't know what kind of happy-go-lucky miscarriages those people were having when they wrote that, but I am here to tell you about my miscarriage. Every disgusting, TMI, horrible detail.

Last night. 9pm.

Stomachache. Not comfortable. Fell asleep.


Woke up. Stomach was not so bad. Went pee. Started spotting. Great. Perf. I texted Lloyd who tried to remind me that spotting was normal and there's still hope. All I could do was be positive. And drink lots of water.


Cue heavier bleeding, and me being pissed off. I was still at home at this point, about to make my way back to Denton. I knew it was starting and would probably get worse, so I took off. Called Lloyd who was at a friends house in NRH. I ended up going over there.


Hung out with some truly wonderful people. Bleeding heavily all the while. More and more heavily as the night went on. Cramps were moderate to bad, but still bearable. I started passing lumpy, bloody clots (mm I know you were excited to hear about those)..Lots of them. Said bye to Lloyd. Lots and lots and lots of crying. Very sad. Went back to Denton.


Hung out with Jamie. Went and bought pads. Huge ones. Because oh man. The bleeding. Imagine having 5 periods at once. With lots of clots. Clotsclotsclots. Jamie and I decided to go to bed. Jamie went into her room and I chose to sleep on the couch. Fell asleep. Probably on pad 6 or 7 by now.


Woke up every 5-15 minutes, went to the bathroom to hopefully rid myself of the cramps that were encompassing my lower abdomen with so so so much pain. I've had kidney stones twice. Those are horrible. This was just as bad, sometimes worse. The cramps radiated from my chest to my thighs. Horrible. So much blood. like a water fountain of blood, every time I was in any sort of upright position. I called my mom. No matter how old you are, sometimes you just need your mom. She got there and gave me extra strength tylenol and xanax. I finally was able to fall asleep.


"Lacey our cars got towed."Awoke to this lovely sentence, sat straight up as quickly as possible, shouldn't have- laid back down, even more defeated. Great. No cars. 160 each to get them out. Cash only. Between the three of us we don't have 320 dollars. But eventually it gets taken care of. Cramps have subsided. Bleeding as well. Eat a bit of lunch. Breakfast. Whatever it is. Called the doctor to make an appointment. Left a message.


Got the cars back. Got the cramps back. Finally got a call back from the doctor. Have an appointment tomorrow at 130 to make sure everything is going well. I mean as well as they could. You know. Took more tylenol. Mom is about to leave... Two best friends are on their way to be with me. There's just nothing for anyone to do, but it is so kind that they want to be here for me, just to be here.

That's all for now. We're pretty much caught up to now. A different nurse called me and was very kind. She went through this last month and gave me tips to help with pain. She was helpful. I am not looking forward to the next few days. As she said, the worst seems over, but I haven't passed the fetal tissue yet, and apparently that will be the worst part.

Emotionally I am just.

On xanax. So we don't have to worry about that at the same time as the pain. Ha.


Tuesday Night. 4am. The cramps returned. GAHHHH.... So horrible.

If we were going about this pregnancy from my last missed period, which we should've in the first place- I lost the baby at exactly 10 weeks 1 day. Just. Really sad.

The cramps have subsided again (tuesday- 1130am), but the bleeding is still there. Steady, not heavy, and clotty. Lovely. I have yet to go to class or work. Lloyd will be here tonight, and Jamie Shaie has been PERFECTLY amazing. I've been staying at her house. We pulled out the couch bed and I've been chilling on it. I am so blessed to have so many close friends. Part of me really wants to be alone, but part of me never wants to be alone again. It's a pretty obnoxious tug of war going on in my head...

Saturday, October 4, 2008

An Update! In Which You Learn ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NEW!

I hate today. I don't hate October 3 (technically it's the 4th now I guess...)... I just mean....Today, I hate.

I just. Hate.

A story for you:

Today (pretend it's still the 3rd because I haven't slept yet and it's 3am, so it still feels like the 3rd to me...)... Today is day 6 of being diagnosed with a blighted ovum. I hate those words so much. But I also hate shortening them to "BO" because that sounds just as bad, if not worse. So. Day 6. Nothing much has changed. I haven't spotted since the last time I wrote about it. No symptoms have gotten worse or better. Everything is still the same. I may be just a tad bit more insane...

Other than that....Today, here is what happened:

I call the doctor in the afternoon, like they told me to.

I left a message.

They called back 2.5 hours later. They close at 5, they called back at 4:50. Cool. At least they called back.

They asked why I called. I told them I wanted the results of my blood test back. I got put on hold.

"Your hcg levels have gone from 2,956 at the beginning of september, to 12,749 at the end of september! So they have gone up a significant amount..."

"enough though?"

"yes it looks like it!"

"what about october?"


"i got blood drawn yesterday. what about october?"

"let me call you back."

4:54. 4:55. 4:56. 4:57. 4:58. 4:59


"Miss Smith?"


"Your results for yesterdays test will be in on Monday afternoon. Just give us a call then. Have a great day!"

Oh goody. I know nothing new. Spectacular. Perf. Great.

I'm just. so. mad.

Not just at them. I guess they can't help that they don't have the tests back. the situation in general.

I just want it to all work out.

Thank you all for your prayers, kind thoughts, kind words, and positive energies. I really appreciate it.